Jon is a 20-year-old who had been a personal trainer for all of two weeks when I met him. A little back story on Jon. He got into personal training because he is involved in fitness competitions. I asked him if he meant competitions like Crossfit. He said "No. My competitions focus on being more aesthetically pleasing." Well, at least Jon didn't beat around the bush.
Jon started his script. "Alright ma'am, what are your goals?" Well, my first goal was not to be called ma'am until I was a grandmother, but you already shit on that goal. Great start, Jon. Unfortunately for Jon, my other goal is to not go to his gym at least one day a week (remember the purpose of this blog). I said that I would probably just like the usual generic things that all woman say, tighter butt, more toned thighs, and I like to generally maintain good health. I watched him write on the paper "woman things." Then Jon asked, "on a scale from one to ten, how committed are you to achieving your fitness goals?" Me: "Probably a 5." Jon: "Why only a 5?" Jon was killing me at that point. Just circle the number so we can move along.
After the questionnaire, Jon moved on to some preliminary fitness tests. Jon: "You're in excellent shape for your age." To be clear, I am 30. I am not Methuselah. Me: "Thanks, Jon."
As I have previously mentioned, I have the upper body strength of a small child. My fitness assessments always go the same way. Everything goes pretty well, and then I am given either a push-up or a pull-up test. That goes so poorly that the rest of the session is dedicated to my upper body. Today was no different, but now Jon had a new goal for me. He announced that I should put on 10 pounds of muscle, with at least two pounds in each of my shoulders. Jon also informs me that all of the Victoria's Secret models have really ripped shoulders. When I asked him how much time he spent focusing on their shoulders, he backed away from that sales pitch. I have included a picture of a Victoria's Secret model...Please, stop ogling her shoulders.
Remember how Jon competes? Well, he certainly didn't want me to forget. While I was doing my overhead presses, Jon told me about his website. Then, I guess in case I never got around to the website, Jon decided to whip out his phone to start showing me topless pictures. I have included a picture for your viewing pleasure. Don't worry, I did get around to the website (hence how I obtained the picture), and I even forced it on my poor co-worker. Someone else had to see what I could not un-see. I think for the purpose of this post, the visual really helps you understand who and what I was dealing with on my fine Monday night.To be fair to Jon, the session was awesome. He had me do a lot of overhead presses and reverse flyes. Jon also had me do super sets, which is basically when you do not take breaks in between sets - you hustle from one set to the next. I had a spectacular shoulder workout (VS will probably catch wind of my shoulders and start calling me any day now). In addition to a lot of new free weight and cable exercises for my shoulders, he also gave me a solid abdominal workout. For one of the abdominal exercises, Jon tossed my legs while I held his ankles. I love this ab exercise, and it isn't really one that I feel okay asking strangers to help me with at the gym, so I was grateful when Jon suggested it. If you have a gym buddy, please do this exercise. Your abs will thank you (after they hate you).
Anyhow, I recommend using those free personal training sessions anytime you get them. It is nice to have a professional figure out what you need to work on and give you some fresh ideas. It is an added bonus if he or she shows you topless internet pics.
A note for the holidays - I had my session with Jon on the 15th, but sometimes I don't get around to my posts until the weekend. Today is actually the 21st. I started Christmas shopping today. I love it.This afternoon, I watched a man frantically purchase a blow-up Hello Kitty lawn ornament in Wal-Mart. Why? Because it is December 21st, and he has absolutely no idea what to do. Following Wal-Mart, I wandered over to Home Goods. I was not planning to purchase any home goods, but I just wanted to watch the madness. Home Goods did not disappoint.
See the picture of that 10 ft, tall stuffed giraffe. That giraffe is $600. As soon as I walked into the store that couple next to the giraffe had this conversation. Woman: "Do you think we should get her that stuffed giraffe?" Man: "That could probably fit in our truck." If that conversation happened on, let's say, November 30th, the conversation would sound more like this. Woman: "Do you think we should get her that stuffed giraffe." Man: "What the fuck is she going to do with a 10 ft. tall, $600 stuffed giraffe?" Woman: "You're right, I must be drunk. That is a terrible idea."
On December 21st, that giraffe is getting in their truck.
Although I enjoy watching people make terrible shopping decisions, and I decorated my Christmas tree while listening to Serial (so addicting), I am actually quite into the holiday spirit. With that, I want to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas, or a merry anything else you celebrate
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