Piloxing at home - "You want strong feet" (February 20, 2015)

So remember that absurd DVD collection that I mentioned? Well, I am indulging in the collection quite a bit this winter because it is cold as shit outside.  What is going on with this winter? This morning when I checked my phone it was 3 degrees outside.  That shouldn't even qualify as a temperature.  I felt bad because my former roommate came down from Boston for the weekend, and I am guessing she hoped to find some respite from the cold travelling a little farther south - nope.  Terrible snow storm.  I will say she sent me this picture of an icicle she pulled off of her house the other day.  You could take down a large animal with what she is holding (I'm am talking like mythical creature large), so I  guess it could be worse. I have included the picture of my former roommate and her icicle so you understand that I am not exaggerating.  You could take down a sphinx.

Anyhow, because it has been miserably frigid, going outside seems like a terrible life choice (except to pick up the giant take-out pizza).  I love exercising, but I also love not succumbing to frostbite.  I was not going to go to the gym in 3 degree weather.

I unwrapped the Piloxing DVD. :Look at that woman.  I knew it would be interesting.  Piloxing is one of those new workouts that just involves squishing together two pre-existing workouts. I like Pilates, and I like boxing. It sounds like a weird combination, but the two exercises actually come together well.  However, nothing else about this DVD comes together well.  The word “awkward” is what comes to mind when I think of a description.

The instructor had a pretty thick accent. I kept picturing Arnold Schwarzenneger. Though I find accents really cool, her accent was not ideal in this situation because it is hard to learn something, particularly something fast-paced, when you cannot understand the instructor.  Beyond the misunderstanding, when I did understand what she was saying, it was...awkward.

  

The instructor obviously loved dancing, which is fine, but she opted to throw this in as a third (and large) component to the workout.  She first brought the dancing in as her transition between the Pilates and the boxing, which worked, but then it became clear she was just going rogue and dancing whenever it made her happy.  You would think going rogue would be impossible in a pre-taped DVD, but this instructor was able to make it happen. In general, there was clearly not a lot of post-production editing done to this workout DVD.  You could hear a lot of wooing and screaming and chuckling in the background, but not the appropriately- timed, scripted kind.  But I guess that is what I get for purchasing my DVDs from the $5 bin at Target, and at least everyone (who I could not see) seemed to be having a good time.

When the instructor was not incorporating random dance moves and mumbling about how every little girl dreams of being a ballerina someday (I did not – I think she was throwing in her own baggage), we were doing traditional boxing moves like hooks, upper-cuts, jabs, etc.  There were also a lot of what seemed like barre moves instead of Pilates, but she did throw in some Pilates.  

One of the more interesting moves in the DVD (aside from the dancing) was something the instructor called “serving the platter.”  You put your arms in a bicep curl position and stick out one leg and then squat while pushing your arms forward.  Basically, you look like you are serving a platter while squatting on one leg.  The name made a lot of sense, but she said it over and over - sometimes in an uncomfortably sexual way, and sometimes in an aggressively loud way.  Either way, I did not want to serve the platter.

The instructor also kept repeating her two goals.  First, she wanted sexy.  She kept saying "I feel a sexy coming on.”  I don’t know what exactly that means, but good for her.  Maybe everyone in (and near the filming of) the DVD were "feeling a sexy coming on."  That would explain some of the sounds.  She also said at one point “sexy and feminine is femininity.”  I’m not sure where she was going with that phrase.  She just kind of blurted it out...like a lot of things.  For the record, Merriam-Webster defines femininity is the quality or nature of being female.  The instructor was nice, but she definitely needed to stick to Piloxing (or really Piloxancingbarre) and not providing vocabulary nuggets.  

Her second goal was strong feet.  You see, after you grow out of your dream of being a ballerina (or it dies because you become a Piloxing instructor), you just really want some strong feet.  That is the most important part of the workout, making your feet sexy and strong.  Actually, the more I type this the more I wonder if this woman has some type of fetish. 

Other than the instructor being a little strange, the workout was pretty good.  According to the internet, you will burn between 400 and 900 calories doing Piloxing.  That is incredibly useless information, so just assume you are doing your body good by doing some Piloxing, and get ready for some sandals in the 3 degree weather because you are going to want to show off your sexy feet when it is all said and done.