Body Attack - The instructor's body was literally attacked (March 18,2015)

Body Attack is one of the fantastic workouts created by Les Mills. The description of Body Attack is a sports inspired cardio class with high-energy interval training that combines athletic aerobic movements with strength and stabilization exercises.  The calorie burn on this workout is estimated to be pretty high, and for once, I actually believe the estimate.

Unfortunately for the instructor, today her body was literally attacking her.  When I came into the class she was wearing huge sunglasses.  I thought to myself. "this is new."

The instructor informed the class (at a loud volume) that she had a migraine “but it will be okay guys, we will get through it together.”  I was not trying to get through anything “together” with my instructor.  She seemed like a wonderful woman, but I doubted that her severe physical ailment was something she was going to successfully address with some spandex clad office drones.  For myself, I was just trying to burn off my lunch while jumping around a little in a 6:15 Body Attack.  This was going to be an experience. 

Again, she was working out in her sunglasses because of the excruciating pain.  And not workout sunglasses.  We are talking massive Jackie O' like shades.  She also announced that she could not see the people past the front row due to her vision, and she refused to wear glasses while working out (clearly sunglasses were the exception).  She also never intends on wearing contact.  She said this as if she had some moral issues with them - I don't know what  Acuvue did to wrong her, but she did encourage us to all introduce ourselves, so she could say hi to us when she sees us around the gym later (how will she see us?).  We began our warm-up, which went fine.  It involved a lot of jogging in place and grape-vining, which is essentially side-stepping while alternative which foot goes in front of the other.

We then moved into our first cardio interval.  Our instructor pumped up the music…and visibily winced.  We were running in place with high knees, doing jumping jacks, and doing some football runs in place.  She pumped up the music volume and encouraged us to scream…silence. 

You cannot tell a room full of people that you are in horrific pain from a migraine and then ask them to scream at you.  It just is not going to happen...unless you are in a room full of assholes, or you are known to be a masochist.  No one in our class wanted to be the dick that screamed at her and watched her fall to her knees in pain…however, that did come later.

After our first cardio interval, we moved down to the floor for push-ups and planks.  This was great for the workout…terrible for the instructor.  She held her forehead doubled over on the ground in pain.  I have encountered a lot of awkward things in my life, but this was up there.  We should have probably all walked out to give the poor woman a break, but she was not willing to stop.  I suspect she might have stayed and worked out even if we had left.

We got back up for our next cardio interval.  We ran circles around the room, did jumping jacks, power lunges, etc.  At that time, our instructor informed us that she was in so much pain that she could not keep her balance and took a few stumbling side steps; however, she simultaneously cranked up the Katy Perry and kept screaming enthusiastic things at us.  Keep in mind, she is still in giant beach sunglasses and periodically grabbing her skull in pain. Weirdest. vibe. ever.

Finally, we ended the class by taking it back down to the floor for various core exercises, mostly crunches.  Thank goodness the class was over.

I had a migraine once in college.  I did not understand what was happening to me, and I went to the health center because I thought my brain had burst.  I give credit to anyone who deals with migraines or even headaches. 

I appreciate the instructor being a trooper, but next time, cancel class.  We can all find a different way to hop around on a Wednesday night.  I am going to check out whether the instructor is wearing shades before I take my next class of any kind.

Tracy Anderson Precision Toning - Why do people hate (February 28, 2015)

People seem to have strong feelings about Gwyneth Paltrow. I'm not sure why. I like to see what celebrities are wearing, but otherwise I don't really concern myself with their personalities or daily activities (except for who Bradley Cooper is dating, but that is likely on the radar of many women).

Anyhow, people seem to dislike Ms. Paltrow because she gives a lot of lifestyle advice. She has a blog, GOOP, or Goop, or goop.  I have no idea how it should look.  She also has a cookbook, which I made the error of purchasing a long time ago.  It was not an error because the recipes are terrible, but because I am a terrible cook and couldn't recognize half the ingredients, but don't worry, as she says "it's all good."

Putting subjective opinion regarding her personality aside,she does seem to have her shit together.  She is in excellent shape, has a great career, and seems to always be dating (or marrying) good-looking, successful men. Okay, those might also be subjective opinions, but she is friends with Beyoncé and Jay-Z.  That is just about the most empirical measure of success out there.

I'm getting distracted. The purpose of this discussion on GP is that she works out, like a number of celebrities, with Tracy Anderson. They all love Tracy, and I can see why.  Worth noting, Tracy loves Tracy. Literally, her pants have I love Tracy written all over them. That is self-confidence.  I don't even know where I would purchase pants professing love for myself, but I guess that is what makes Tracy a woman worshiped by the likes Gwyneth Paltrow, and me a minion doing a Tracy DVD at home.

Actually, before Gwyneth went on and on about Tracy, my dear friend Yasmeen told me about Tracy Anderson, and I have purchased a number of her DVDs over the years.  Thanks, Yasmeen.  These DVDs come in handy while travelling...or, this winter when Princess Elsa seems to be stuck in the mid-Atlantic.

Today, I did the Tracy Anderson Precision Toning DVD, which is broken down into four parts - arms, legs, butt, and abs - the same muscles targeted in barre. I actually don't know if barre or Tracy's workout came first, but they are very similar.

This DVD is fantastic.  Each segment is roughly 15 minutes and focuses on one key body part. This allows you to only do one body part if you are short on time, or you could do two workouts and comeback later and do the other two workouts.

Tracy will leave you sore, but I think that is what most people are looking for in a workout routine. She provides my favorite arm workout of all time (yeah, bold statement).  The moves are subtle, and it is all in the details...or so she says. I can't really see anything subtle in what she is doing, but I like the exercises and the results regardless of whether I am catching the Tracy nuances.  Among the exercises in this segment are arm circles, reaching forward pretending like you are grabbing and pulling on a rope, biceps curls, overhead presses, etc. You use light weights (2 to 3 pounds), or no weights.  Honestly, the workout is great with or without the weights. She has you do eight count reps of each exercise.  Her thing is that you work the accessory muscles rather than the big muscles when you do her workout so your body develops lean muscles instead of bulk. I don't know if that is just some shtick, nor do I care. Even if it is in my head, I think her arm workout does the best job at giving me lean arm muscles.

Next, Tracy moves on to legs. These exercises require having a chair nearby, mostly for balance.  You will do a lot of leg kicks behind you and to your side. When you hit legs, she ramps up the repetitions to 25.  The leg workout is effective, but pretty par for the course as far as leg workouts go.  She doesn't reinvent the wheel.  She just makes you do a shitload of  kicks and squats.

The butt is the third section of the workout. Again, she ups the repetitions without warning.  Sneaky, Tracy.  For your butt exercise, you do 40 reps of each exercise on each side. This really burns after 40 reps on one side.  Tracy says there are six muscle parts to your butt.  My whole butt felt it - again, I could be missing a detail, but I am assuming I hit the 6 parts.  You can also add ankle weights while performing the butt exercises. All of these exercises involved being on a mat on all fours, either on your forearms or hands, and lifting your legs in various directions -  to the side, straight back, or straight up in the air. Again, these moves resemble barre moves (or barre moves resemble Tracy moves - chicken vs. egg debate).

Finally, the last section works your abs. I am also a big fan of Tracy's ab workout choices. She has you do a variety of creative crunches.  For example, you do crunches with your legs completely flat.  Sometimes, you cross your legs and crunch.  She has you lift your legs about six-inches off the ground and move them side-to-side like a windshield wiper, which is also effective. Finally, she will have you do a number of plank variations.

Tracy knows what she is doing.  She has earned her pants.  Though you might hate Gwyneth, or celebrities in general, they know a thing or two about working out.  Tracy Anderson Precision Toning can be purchased on Amazon for roughly $9.  I highly recommend giving it a try if you want to do something a little different.  Also, I included a picture of some flowers because some day Spring is going to get here (so they say), and I am going to exercise in the land of the living.

Piloxing at home - "You want strong feet" (February 20, 2015)

So remember that absurd DVD collection that I mentioned? Well, I am indulging in the collection quite a bit this winter because it is cold as shit outside.  What is going on with this winter? This morning when I checked my phone it was 3 degrees outside.  That shouldn't even qualify as a temperature.  I felt bad because my former roommate came down from Boston for the weekend, and I am guessing she hoped to find some respite from the cold travelling a little farther south - nope.  Terrible snow storm.  I will say she sent me this picture of an icicle she pulled off of her house the other day.  You could take down a large animal with what she is holding (I'm am talking like mythical creature large), so I  guess it could be worse. I have included the picture of my former roommate and her icicle so you understand that I am not exaggerating.  You could take down a sphinx.

Anyhow, because it has been miserably frigid, going outside seems like a terrible life choice (except to pick up the giant take-out pizza).  I love exercising, but I also love not succumbing to frostbite.  I was not going to go to the gym in 3 degree weather.

I unwrapped the Piloxing DVD. :Look at that woman.  I knew it would be interesting.  Piloxing is one of those new workouts that just involves squishing together two pre-existing workouts. I like Pilates, and I like boxing. It sounds like a weird combination, but the two exercises actually come together well.  However, nothing else about this DVD comes together well.  The word “awkward” is what comes to mind when I think of a description.

The instructor had a pretty thick accent. I kept picturing Arnold Schwarzenneger. Though I find accents really cool, her accent was not ideal in this situation because it is hard to learn something, particularly something fast-paced, when you cannot understand the instructor.  Beyond the misunderstanding, when I did understand what she was saying, it was...awkward.

  

The instructor obviously loved dancing, which is fine, but she opted to throw this in as a third (and large) component to the workout.  She first brought the dancing in as her transition between the Pilates and the boxing, which worked, but then it became clear she was just going rogue and dancing whenever it made her happy.  You would think going rogue would be impossible in a pre-taped DVD, but this instructor was able to make it happen. In general, there was clearly not a lot of post-production editing done to this workout DVD.  You could hear a lot of wooing and screaming and chuckling in the background, but not the appropriately- timed, scripted kind.  But I guess that is what I get for purchasing my DVDs from the $5 bin at Target, and at least everyone (who I could not see) seemed to be having a good time.

When the instructor was not incorporating random dance moves and mumbling about how every little girl dreams of being a ballerina someday (I did not – I think she was throwing in her own baggage), we were doing traditional boxing moves like hooks, upper-cuts, jabs, etc.  There were also a lot of what seemed like barre moves instead of Pilates, but she did throw in some Pilates.  

One of the more interesting moves in the DVD (aside from the dancing) was something the instructor called “serving the platter.”  You put your arms in a bicep curl position and stick out one leg and then squat while pushing your arms forward.  Basically, you look like you are serving a platter while squatting on one leg.  The name made a lot of sense, but she said it over and over - sometimes in an uncomfortably sexual way, and sometimes in an aggressively loud way.  Either way, I did not want to serve the platter.

The instructor also kept repeating her two goals.  First, she wanted sexy.  She kept saying "I feel a sexy coming on.”  I don’t know what exactly that means, but good for her.  Maybe everyone in (and near the filming of) the DVD were "feeling a sexy coming on."  That would explain some of the sounds.  She also said at one point “sexy and feminine is femininity.”  I’m not sure where she was going with that phrase.  She just kind of blurted it out...like a lot of things.  For the record, Merriam-Webster defines femininity is the quality or nature of being female.  The instructor was nice, but she definitely needed to stick to Piloxing (or really Piloxancingbarre) and not providing vocabulary nuggets.  

Her second goal was strong feet.  You see, after you grow out of your dream of being a ballerina (or it dies because you become a Piloxing instructor), you just really want some strong feet.  That is the most important part of the workout, making your feet sexy and strong.  Actually, the more I type this the more I wonder if this woman has some type of fetish. 

Other than the instructor being a little strange, the workout was pretty good.  According to the internet, you will burn between 400 and 900 calories doing Piloxing.  That is incredibly useless information, so just assume you are doing your body good by doing some Piloxing, and get ready for some sandals in the 3 degree weather because you are going to want to show off your sexy feet when it is all said and done.

Powerwave Battle Roping with Georgeann - The playlist was amazing...(February 6, 2015)

This week, my coworker and friend, Georgeann, was willing to go on another fitness escapade with me.  I included a picture of her on the right when we were out in Arlington a few weeks ago since I took no Battle Roping photos of us.  While we were out, I learned she basically knows all of Arlington...like everyone.

Usually on Fridays my coworkers and I go somewhere for lunch, eat too much, and come back to the office comatose.  I asked Georgeann if she would be willing to do Powerwave Battle Roping during our Friday lunch hour as a change of pace, and because she is fantastic, she obliged.  This was all the more impressive because when she asked me what Powerwave Battle Roping was, I had no fucking clue.  I have come to the conclusion that half the fun in these new workouts is the element of surprise!  Not reading the class description also left us a few days to speculate what the class would entail, which was also entertaining.  One of our coworkers opined that it would be a ton of double dutch jump roping.  Georgeann speculated that it could be some type of stretchy yoga thing with bands.  Friday came, and it was time to find out what we were in for.

This is the Crunch Fitness website description of Powerwave Battle Roping:  Get ready for battle with this hard-core, sweat-fest utilizing the toughest fitness equipment around. This Battle Ropes class combines strength and explosiveness to activate and integrate all the major muscle groups for a complete and total body workout with an emphasis on core stability. Get ready to make some serious waves!  

We will get to what the class actually entailed momentarily, but I have to give you a side story.  I went online after the class to read the description.  We took the class at Crunch Fitness, which I knew had a fairly diverse class selection, but holy shit...check this out:  https://www.crunch.com/classes/class-descriptions/  This place could keep me busy for years.  The options are ridiculous.  Two that really caught my eye (but there were so many) were:

WHIPPED: 50 SHADES OF FITNESS

Join us for 50 Shades of fitness in ‘Whipped,’ a class taught by a Dominatrix in black leather boots that will WHIP you into shape! Begin this class of pleasure and pain with a warm up, then it’s time to bring out the toys as participants grab body bars, hand weights and steps to be used in the workout ahead. This punishment builds muscular endurance and strength, and helps harness one’s balance and coordination. A little S & M never hurt anyone - - sweat and muscle that is!

LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF

This unique barefoot training class combines comedy routines and fitness routines to make you laugh your ass off – literally! Led by a seasoned comedian, current events and fitness humor are provided to entertain you as you laugh your way through a series of exercises designed to burn calories and tone your booty.

Crunch will provide comedians or a dominatrix to work you out.  Who is thinking of these classes?  Crunch definitely deserves kudos for creativity, but anyhow, on to Battle Ropes.

We entered the gym and let the people at the front desk know we were there to attend battle ropes.  The people at the front smile at each other and say, "Oh, "X" is teaching that today.  You are in for a treat."  First, I am leaving out her real name because I'm sure she is a lovely woman.  Second, when someone says you are "in for a treat" and shoots a knowing glance to the person next to them, know that you're fucked.

We will call the instructor Jane.  If you can envision a kindergarten teacher on a cocktail of cocaine and steroids, that is Jane.  She had a wide grin and unmistakable crazy eyes.  She yelled a lot... and she kept turning up the music... and then yelling louder.  

Battle Ropes involved circuit training, which usually means there are a few stations consisting of different exercises.  For example, you might jump rope at one station, squat at another station, etc., and this combination of exercises is called a circuit.  You do each exercise for 30 seconds or 60 seconds, trying to fit in as many repetitions as possible in the time frame, and then move to the next exercise station in the circuit.  I hope that made sense.  If not, I know Google is pretty articulate.  Usually, I have seen 6 to 8 exercise stations in a circuit.  Jane made 12 stations.

One was jump roping, but not double dutch.   Two other stations used the weighted ropes pictured to the right for various exercises. There was a lunge while overhead pressing a kettle bell station, a squat station, etc.  However, Jane really went off the rails when she created a station that involved going down into a burpee, alternating rowing arms with hand weights, returning up to a clean and press and finishing with a squat and overhead press.  That is not one station to any normal person.  That could be three stations.  In 30 seconds, you can get through that collection of moves roughly 3 times, and it is annoying.  Georgeann eventually boycotted this station, and rightfully so.  

To be fair, aside from the one absurd exercise station, Jane's circuit was awesome.  Georgeann and I felt the burn (how could you not going through that many stations 4 times!).  Jane was also very attentive to everyone at each station.  She diligently corrected form and walked individuals through exercises again if they forgot what they were supposed to be doing...which was easy with that many stations, one of which had 5 million components.

Jane made one of the best workout mixes that I have ever heard.  It opened with David Guetta's Dangerous.  This seemed promising to myself and Georgeann.  There was some old Offspring, Katy Perry, Missy Elliot (I guess Jane had some Super Bowl inspiration), The Killers. and even Walk the Moon (Shut Up and Dance is a kick ass workout song).  For all her aggressive screaming of super positive and encouraging things (a very weird combination), Jane did her job. She was indeed a "treat."

I would absolutely Battle Rope again.  I would also join a Crunch gym if there wasn't a closer gym to both my home and office (sorry, Crunch).  That class selection is insane.  I don't need to get whipped or hear a stand-up routine when I exercise, but my goodness, isn't it nice to have that option?  If you are a Crunch member and haven't tried it, please give Battle Ropes a shot.

Side note - I am an Eagles' fan, which oftentimes terrifies or disgusts people; however, the Eagles weren't in the Super Bowl, so I had to spend last week focusing on Marshawn Lynch (even though Pete Carroll apparently forgot to do the same).  In the spirit of Marshawn, I purchased two BeastMode shirts, which I will be rocking in future workouts.  I am pretty excited.   

Pole Dancing with Liz and Nicole - When all else fails, lead with your butt (January 30, 2015)

A few weeks ago, my friend Liz and I attended the DC Health and Fitness Expo.  The Expo had tons of vendors, including a company called "Pole Pressure."  Liz and I are chatters, so we spoke briefly to the Pole Pressure vendors, and we learned that on Friday evenings they give a free introductory pole dancing class in Alexandria, Virginia.

Fast forward to last Friday.  I had a week full of learning experiences between knitting class and nutrition education class, so it was time to complete the educational trifecta and learn how to pole dance.  My sweet friends Nicole and Liz were willing to join me.

The Pole Pressure studio is in the Huntington area of Alexandria, next to a pizza shop.  At first glance, the place is terrifying, and it also smells like glitter; however, the girls who work there are fantastic.

We enter the "classroom" and there is a chair in front of each pole.
The class opened with chair exercises.  This was tougher than expected.  The warm up involves a lot of triceps dips and hip thrusts on the chair, which were performed hanging off the chair in a position that resembles bridge in yoga.  Interestingly, many of the moves resembled yoga moves. The catch is that you have to be "sexy" the entire time.  The instructor pointed out that even our side leg lifts had to be sexy.  That is what made it pole dancing - the "sexy" (and I suspect, the pole).

Being "sexy" while exercising is quite challenging.  At one point, we were instructed to lay with our back across our chair and kick our legs in the air.  To me, this was an alarming exercise because I have no balancing skills.  I got into a corpse position across the chair with one hand on the floor, trying desperately not to fall off (super sexy).  All that said, the muscles were working.

After the chair, we move to the floor for something called "body rolls."  Liz and I both made inaudible noises that were combination squeals laughter and fear. The body roll is kind of a slithering motion where your ass stays in the air until the very end, while everything else lowers in a crawling fashion.  The reverse body roll still begins with your ass in the air, and you roll up from your on-ground slithering position. Nicole took a pole dancing lesson for her sister's bachelorette party (allegedly this is where she acquired these skills), and is pretty flexible (her husband is a lucky man), so comparatively, she looked like an old pro. I was just a mess, but that was okay.  The instructor offered us some profound words, "when all else fails, lead with your butt."  I swear, Aristotle never provided society with a wiser nugget.


Finallly, we moved to the pole.  First, we were instructed to wipe down our respective pole with alcohol, which was a little concerning because we assumed it was already clean. However, there was some comfort to doing it ourselves.  We doused the our poles until it smelled like we were dancing in a nail polish bottle.

We started with learning how to "strut" around the pole, which is the only skill I mastered (kudos to me, I can walk in a circle).  You hold the pole very high with the dominant hand.  Given the length of my gangly arms, I was halfway to the ceiling.  Then you put your inside foot against the pole and pop out your hips.  This angle provides momentum while you strut around your pole.  The instructor explained how to do this so that you didn't throw out your shoulder.  I clearly failed to understand her instructions.  My shoulder currently feels like it needs a cortisone shot.

Next were the actual pole spins. "Level 2 Pole," as it is called.  The instructor tried to teach us to do a "catch spin."  Nicole thought the instructor said "cash spin," because the spin would earn all the money.  Totally logical assumption, but the instructor said that it was actually catch spin because one of your legs caught the pole while the other one spun around, and you sexily glided to the floor while twisting around the pole.  Nothing that I just explained actually happened in my case.  I liked to give a running leap, which resulted in a fast spin and a fall. The instructor thought it was entertaining to watch our attempts, so that counted for something.  She probably gets a good laugh at this introductory lesson every Friday night.  She again gave us her wise words, "even if you fall down the pole, just whip your hair, and then get back up...leading with the butt."  I also purchased that awesome shredded pole dancing shirt you see below.  They sold tops and shoes in the studio, so at least I could look the part while flailing and falling.

The instructor explained that she got into pole dancing to lose weight.  I have no idea if she lost weight.  She did not go into details.  I do know that she seemed healthy, happy, and strong as hell.  At the end of class she demonstrated some "Level 3 Pole."  This involved her climbing up the pole, hanging upside down, spreading her legs, and then essentially crawling back down using one arm and her inner thigh.  I actually don't know how gravity permitted what my eyes witnessed.  It may have been an optical illusion - the classroom had lots of mirrors.

Here is a link with the estimated pole dancing calorie burn:  http://www.livestrong.com/article/296144-calories-burned-in-an-aerobic-pole-dance-class/

I know I have mentioned this a time or two, but I seriously have the best friends in the world. I have to pinch myself daily because I can't believe that I am so lucky.  Case in point, Nicole and Liz drove, after a long work week, out to a building in Alexandria, which at first glance, looked like a place where strippers would get murdered, and then they took this class.  Everyone was asked at the beginning of the class why they were there, and Nicole and Liz just pointed at me.  Those girls are true friends.

Following our pole dancing, we went out for pizza and wine (because why workout if you aren't going to negate progress with some more fun life choices).  When the check came, I realized that my wallet had fallen out in my car, which is a black hole that I may discuss that another time.   I had an old wallet in my purse (no clue why), which happened to have a debit card inside, so I yanked out the card and threw it on the table.  The waiter came back and informed me that my card expired three years ago.  Not only that, the bank didn't exist, and he recommended that I sell the card on Ebay as a relic, or at least announce my stupidity on Twitter.  Thanks, bro (I guess he knew I wasn't tipping, so there was nothing to lose).  Liz and Nicole covered my meal.  So not only did they pole dance (poor Liz was afraid to adjust her contact afterwards because she wasn't sure what kinds of bodily fluids were still on her hands), but they also spotted me for dinner.  I am ridiculously lucky.  Thank you, Nicole and Liz.

P.S. I'm typing this in Barnes and Noble, which makes me feel super college.  I'm uncomfortably close to a pregnant woman reading diagrams about birthing.  She keeps giving me funny looks. I hope she likes looking at blown up pictures of stripper heels (available for purchase at your local Pole Pressure).  To my right is a man pressing hard for a date with a woman who also appears to be interviewing him for a job.  He clearly has a "go big or go home" attitude.

I love public places.

Jillian Michaels No More Trouble Zones - She is the scary one (January 24, 2015)

Everyone buys stupid shit that they don't need.  It is just a matter of how much you spend, and what your brand of stupid is: cigarettes, tabloids, expensive wine, misspelled Starbucks coffee, refrigerator magnets?  There is a laundry list of dumb things that we all buy.  Pick your poison. That money would probably be going into our savings, or towards our car payment, but nope, everyone has a vice.

One of my go-to stupid purchases, is a really cheap workout DVD.  Not because workout DVDs are bad.  In fact, they are great, but I generally like working out around people, and I don't like doing the same workout too often.  Basically, my preference is the opposite of DVDs, but damn if Target isn't always selling DVDs on a huge discount (I got Princess Bride for $5 a few months ago -  definitely a win), so I inevitably end up purchasing workout DVDs.

My friend Jillian (not Michaels), told me a while back that Jillian Michaels workouts were great.  Additionally, a guy I work with, who I affectionately call a meat head, tried the Jillian Michaels workout, and thought it was very difficult.  Actually, he hurt himself doing the warm-up because she likes doing active stretches. While he was basically pretending to swim, he pulled his neck.  Bro can't active stretch like the ladies.  Anyhow, given these two recommendations (and the DVD being on sale), I decided to give No More Trouble Zones a shot.

I rarely watch reality television (except for Shark Tank because that is addicting).  Not because I judge, but because I keep an insane and weird schedule.  I have caught the Biggest Loser a time or two, and I know from grocery store tabloids that Jillian Michaels is the scary one.  Just look at how she is pointing at you.  She means business.

I press play on the DVD - No More Trouble Zones.  I don't want trouble zones.  Bring it.

Holy shit.  There are many things happening at once in this workout.  I can see why her workouts are considered so efficient.  In addition to active stretching, she expects you to work a million different body parts at the same time. For example, you will squat while doing overhead presses, or you will side lunge while performing biceps curls, and crunches with chest presses.  You get the idea.

I can't find a calorie count doing a quick internet search for this specific DVD; however, I found an average calorie burn for her 30 day shred DVD, and that is estimated at 503 calories per hour.  Do with that what you will.

If you want to maximize your workout in a limited amount of time, I highly recommend this DVD. I have to say that I probably won't touch it again for another 5 years.  I have about 30 more DVDs to get through, and I also miss the entertainment I find in live classes.

If you are a DVD kind of person, here is the link for purchasing this gem at Wal-Mart.  http://www.walmart.com/ip/Jillian-Michaels-No-More-Trouble-Zones-Full-Frame/10818215

PS - There wasn't really much to take pictures of, so here you can see that Starbucks can't spell my name, and I included a pic of me and my Jillian (she is far less scary).

Pure Barre - The robots are so fast and so strong! (January 17, 2015)

People always say that Cross Fit is a bit of a cult (sorry, Cross Fit), but I think that Pure Barre enthusiasts are right up there on the "obsessed with their workout" list.   I don't say this in a disparaging way.  I think it is awesome when people get into their workout of choice.  If I had any sort of attention span, I would like to think that I could get into, and master, a specific workout; however, as this blog establishes, that is not my style. Pure Barre has quite the loyal following, so I should have anticipated a pretty intense workout.... I have taken barre classes in the past, but nothing could have prepared me for the pace of Pure Barre.  I tip my hat.

There are some Pure Barre rules. You must wear appropriate athletic attire (there is plenty of Pure Barre swag to purchase in the studio in case you are unsure of what is appropriate).  Additionally, you must have socks.  I tried buying some barre socks a few years ago for general barre classes, but I accidentally purchased "New Mommy" socks.  That got my mother-in-law way too excited.  I have never birthed anything, so I do not wear my fraud socks.  I rolled into Pure Barre in regular gym socks - rookie move.

 It seems the sassier the socks, the more you know the gal isn't fucking around (I say gal because there were no men in my class). For example, some of the obvious regulars had socks with grips on the bottoms, a few had those socks with individual toe holes (there is no way that is comfortable), and one woman had new-age socks that were cut like some kind of foot bikini.  Needless to say, foot bikini girl was pretty damn toned.  I am sure the girls saw my socks and knew amateur hour was walking in the door.

The workout requires a set of light weights (I used two pounds), a ball that is roughly 5 inches, and a red resistance band.    Pure Barre focuses on your arms, legs, abs, and "seat," which is their dainty way of saying your ass.

The workout starts off with lifting high knees at a rapid pace for ten counts.  I thought to myself, "this isn't so bad."  Things got rapidly more aggressive from there.  First, we picked up small weights and started doing all sorts of small muscle contractions, such as small bicep curls, while still stepping.

The instructor eventually told us to drop to the ground, and we immediately began a 90-second plank, with variations such as single arm lifts with the weight while planking.  Of note, in other workouts, usually the move to the ground is an opportunity to collect yourself.  Not in Pure Barre.  You have to keep moving. all. the. time.

Interestingly, the floor in the room is carpet.  You need socks with grips so that you don't slide around during the plank.  No matter what kind of game face I tried to maintain, the novice socks were making me face plant.  I wanted to yell at the super-sock army of toned chicks that I really could do a 90-second plank!  Do not judge me by my failing foot apparel.

We eventually moved (quickly, of course) to a ballet bar on the wall.  You are supposed to squat down six to eight inches, and put the ball in between your thighs.  Then, you are instructed to tuck, which is essentially thrusting your pelvis forward, or in whatever direction you are instructed.  Your "seat" and your inner thighs burn so much.  Upbeat club-ish music is playing during the class. Between the pelvis thrusting, the club music, and the new foreign object squeezed between the legs, I felt like the thigh part of the workout had more in common with a basement frat party than ballet, but what do I know?

Eventually, we went back to the center of the room (fast as shit of course - how are these girls transitioning at this pace), and we do more "tucking" and a serious abdominal workout.

We periodically used the red resistance band to stretch...for like 5 seconds...then more moving.  Always more moving.

Everything burned - my "seat," my arms, weird muscles that I did not know existed, and everything in between.  I felt the workout for days, which is exactly what you want in a workout.  Excuse my Mellencamp,  but it hurt so good.

I got a follow-up call from Pure Barre the next morning.  It was kind of like that call after a first date that you're not sure about.  You tell them you had a great time, and admittedly, it was cool and different, but you don't know if you're ready to commit.

Pure Barre also followed up with me by sending a postcard.  I am 80 inside, so I love receiving mail.  Pure Barre scored major points with this move.  I included the postcard picture so that you could  understand where the title of this post comes from.  Look at those faces and those arms. So strong. So fast.  The only explanation for being so strong, fast, and serious - robots.

I did purchase an introductory 30-day deal because the introductory package is offered at a discounted rate for new participants.  Much like the dating world, persistence paid off for Pure Barre.

 I will not go past the 30-day discounted trial.  The workout is too expensive for something that I will not do everyday.  However, I do think it could be awesome for getting toned very quickly.  They do a program for brides, and I can see Pure Barre being a brilliant workout for a bride preparing for her wedding.

After my recent holiday festivities (by festivities, I clearly mean wine and baked goods), I think the 30-day unlimited is worth the investment.  I want Pure Barre to kick my ass.  I will also invest in some socks with grips... that don't tell lies about my life.  I must show the robots that I can plank.