My night with a personal trainer - Call me ma'am (December 15, 2014)

I recently joined a new gym.  As many people who join gyms know, you usually get a free personal training session with your new membership.  I always take my free session because I like learning new exercises; however, this free session offered me so much more than new exercises.  This session offered me Jon.

Jon is a 20-year-old who had been a personal trainer for all of two weeks when I met him. A little back story on Jon.  He got into personal training because he is involved in fitness competitions.  I asked him if he meant competitions like Crossfit.  He said "No.  My competitions focus on being more aesthetically pleasing."  Well, at least Jon didn't beat around the bush.

Jon started his script.  "Alright ma'am, what are your goals?"  Well, my first goal was not to be called ma'am until I was a grandmother, but you already shit on that goal.  Great start, Jon.  Unfortunately for Jon, my other goal is to not go to his gym at least one day a week (remember the purpose of this blog).  I said that I would probably just like the usual generic things that all woman say, tighter butt, more toned thighs, and I like to generally maintain good health.  I watched him write on the paper "woman things."  Then Jon asked, "on a scale from one to ten, how committed are you to achieving your fitness goals?"  Me: "Probably a 5."  Jon: "Why only a 5?"  Jon was killing me at that point.  Just circle the number so we can move along.

After the questionnaire, Jon moved on to some preliminary fitness tests.  Jon: "You're in excellent shape for your age."  To be clear, I am 30. I am not Methuselah.  Me: "Thanks, Jon."

As I have previously mentioned, I have the upper body strength of a small child.  My fitness assessments always go the same way.  Everything goes pretty well, and then I am given either a push-up or a pull-up test.  That goes so poorly that the rest of the session is dedicated to my upper body.  Today was no different, but now Jon had a new goal for me.  He announced that I should put on 10 pounds of muscle, with at least two pounds in each of  my shoulders.  Jon also informs me that all of the Victoria's Secret models have really ripped shoulders.  When I asked him how much time he spent focusing on their shoulders, he backed away from that sales pitch.  I have included a picture of a Victoria's Secret model...Please, stop ogling her shoulders.

Remember how Jon competes? Well, he certainly didn't want me to forget.  While I was doing my overhead presses, Jon told me about his website.  Then, I guess in case I never got around to the website, Jon decided to whip out his phone to start showing me topless pictures. I have included a picture for your viewing pleasure.  Don't worry, I did get around to the website (hence how I obtained the picture), and I even forced it on my poor co-worker.  Someone else had to see what I could not un-see.  I think for the purpose of this post, the visual really helps you understand who and what I was dealing with on my fine Monday night.

To be fair to Jon, the session was awesome.  He had me do a lot of overhead presses and reverse flyes.  Jon also had me do super sets, which is basically when you do not take breaks in between sets - you hustle from one set to the next.  I had a spectacular shoulder workout (VS will probably catch wind of my shoulders and start calling me any day now).  In addition to a lot of new free weight and cable exercises for my shoulders, he also gave me a solid abdominal workout.  For one of the abdominal exercises, Jon tossed my legs while I held his ankles.  I love this ab exercise, and it isn't really one that I feel okay asking strangers to help me with at the gym, so I was grateful when Jon suggested it.  If you have a gym buddy, please do this exercise.  Your abs will thank you (after they hate you).

Anyhow, I recommend using those free personal training sessions anytime you get them.  It is nice to have a professional figure out what you need to work on and give you some fresh ideas.  It is an added bonus if he or she shows you topless internet pics.

A note for the holidays - I had my session with Jon on the 15th, but sometimes I don't get around to my posts until the weekend.  Today is actually the 21st.  I started Christmas shopping today.  I love it.

This afternoon, I watched a man frantically purchase a blow-up Hello Kitty lawn ornament in Wal-Mart.  Why?  Because it is December 21st, and he has absolutely no idea what to do.  Following Wal-Mart, I wandered over to Home Goods.  I was not planning to purchase any home goods, but I just wanted to watch the madness.  Home Goods did not disappoint.

See the picture of that 10 ft, tall stuffed giraffe.  That giraffe is $600.  As soon as I walked into the store that couple next to the giraffe had this conversation.  Woman: "Do you think we should get her that stuffed giraffe?" Man: "That could probably fit in our truck."  If that conversation happened on, let's say, November 30th, the conversation would sound more like this.  Woman: "Do you think we should get her that stuffed giraffe."  Man: "What the fuck is she going to do with a 10 ft. tall, $600 stuffed giraffe?" Woman: "You're right, I must be drunk.  That is a terrible idea."

On December 21st, that giraffe is getting in their truck.

Although I enjoy watching people make terrible shopping decisions, and I decorated my Christmas tree while listening to Serial (so addicting), I am actually quite into the holiday spirit.  With that, I want to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas, or a merry anything else you celebrate
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Cardio Kickboxing - When Instructors Attack (December 13, 2014)

So, after returning from Africa, I was kind of playing catch-up.  I didn't have a lot of time to seek out anything too strange for lucky week 13. I opted for cardio kickboxing at my gym on the lovely morning of 12/13/14.  Of note, December 13 was my husband's 30th birthday.  I don't have any pictures from my workout, so I have just included some from his birthday.  I assume looking at pictures that don't make sense is better than looking at no pictures at all.

I was very excited when I got to the cardio kickboxing class.  There were a ton of people.  A crowded class can be annoying, but it is often a sign of a good class.  I counted over 50 people.  The variety was also something to behold.  The Zumba instructor from the class before stuck around.  I couldn't begin to guess her age.  She looked like a Real Housewife of Somewhere who just got done a fresh touch-up under the knife.  There was the guy who kept wandering in and out of the class in jeans, a t-shirt and a zip up fleece vest.  Next to the Zumba instructor, he was clearly the next best one to watch.  There was also a healthy mix of men and women, and people of all ages, shapes and sizes.  The room was very large, so it actually accommodated everyone, which was a nice surprise.  The aerobic room is located next to the pool, and the wall between the pool and the aerobics room is actually a window.  This provided another "participant" of sorts - an old man who sat in the pool and watched the class.  At first, I thought this was creepy, but as the class went along, I could see why he wanted to watch the show.  I guess it didn't make him less creepy, but at least it sort of validated his creepy.

The instructor was in fantastic shape.  I have a suspicion she is current or former military because in addition to be in fantastic shape, she gave her instructions like a drill sergeant.  She also started yelling "It will either be you or the enemy."  Me or the enemy? What? When? I am just trying to do some air punches to burn off birthday cake.  No enemy here (well, I guess the birthday cake).  This statement was followed by "your muscles will remember these moves so your natural reflex becomes to destroy the enemy."  In my head I thought, okay, the screaming about the enemy seems a bit aggressive, but the workout is great so far.

Sometimes in kickboxing, the instructors will walk around with a glove on their hand and encourage the students to punch the glove.  The instructor of this class decided to walked around and let people punch her palm.  I have never seen this.  No padding, just attack her hand.

Class rolled on.  At one point, she determined that our kicks were not adequate.  She yelled, "He is going to grab your leg, flip you over, and you are going to end up on the 5 o'clock news."  The room filled with some of the most nervous/awkward laughter that I have ever heard.  We are about two-thirds of the way through the class at this point.  The instructor decided that we needed to know just how we were going to get attacked.  She grabbed the head of a girl in the row in front of me and told the girl to try and punch her because otherwise her neck would get snapped.  I moved farther back in the room,

The instructor then moved on to a gentleman in the class.  We were doing burpees at this point, and she started grabbing for his knees to throw him on his back.  She succeeded.  She said that was to demonstrate the importance of the burpee.   I didn't really need to know the purpose.  I was happy just to blindly comply with the instruction.  In case you don't know, this is a burpee: http://www.wikihow.com/Do-a-Burpee  Thanks, WikiHow.

The instructor also ran to the corner of the room at one point to demonstrate how to punch out of a corner for "when the enemy has you trapped in a confined space."

Other than being frightening, the class was a great workout.  The name absolutely captured the class - there was a solid amount of cardio, kicking and boxing.  Additionally, I learned how I am supposed to kick a car door into someone if they are coming at me in my car, and I also learned how to smash a skull and snap a neck.  I absolutely appreciate that the instructor is trying to make women more safe and strong.  I think that is a fantastic goal; however, I would probably save some of her more aggressive commentary, such as how I am going to make it on the news due to my pathetic kicks, for an actual self defense class.

It was not the workout that I was expecting nestled between my morning latte and my Target run.  I will probably go back...because otherwise she might yell at me.

Hippo tracking and other ways to exercise (or terrify yourself) on vacation in Africa (the first week in December)

I was fortunate enough to spend 10 days in Africa at the beginning of December.  It may sound cliche, but it was truly the trip of a lifetime.  The flying time is 20+ hours each way, so I was very anxious to find some ways to exercise when I landed.  Africa did not disappoint  I will keep my commentary brief, since the real fun is looking at the pictures!

Hippo Tracking - I call this adventure hippo tracking, but it was technically a bush hike.  After two days of doing long morning and evening game drives, I remembered that our guide mentioned "bush hikes," which were basically safaris on foot.  I expressed interest in this activity on behalf of the group (admittedly, without group consent).  In hindsight, I don't know what I was thinking.  We had just spent two days looking for (and finding) a number of deadly animals.  These animals were intimidating from the comfort of an open air Land Rover.  Why in the world would we want to see them on foot?

Our "bush hike" started when our guide, CJ, stopped our Land Rover in the middle of no where and instructed us to get out and start walking.  We laughed because we assumed he was joking.  He was not joking.

CJ brought a gun with him, but this actually was a joke.  We were on a game preserve. There would be no shooting any animals.  In fact, two days earlier, another guide was chased up a tree by 9 lions and he had to wait it out until he was rescued by a Land Rover.  The gun looked like a Civil War reenactment gun, and it had 3 bullets.  That brings me to my second point.  Even if the gun functioned, the bullet to creature ratio was not in our favor (see 9 lions referenced above).

Anyhow, we started walking through the dense bush.  We probably walked for a little over an hour. It was hard to keep track of time with my heart beating out of my chest.  Interestingly, a large portion of the walk involved scrutinizing animal shit.  I can now distinguish between elephant, rhino, and hippo feces.  I am not sure how to weave that skill into my LinkedIn profile, but I can address that isse at a later date.

We noticed hippo footprints and poop, which appeared fresh.  Suddenly, we heard something down near the water (that I thought sounded like a lion roar because I apparently missed the lesson on animal sounds as a toddler).  Off we went.  As we quietly approached the water, our guide began to tell us that hippos kill more people in Africa than any other animal.  Super comforting.   My husband spotted some air bubbles, and shortly after that, we spotted a large school of hippos!   After spotting the hippos, we quickly left.  The hippos were all giving us the stink eye, and after the whole "deadliest animal" speech, lingering seemed like a poor choice.

On our way back to the Land Rover, the guide told us a story about how when he was a child he used to harass hippos using a red cape (I'm picturing a matador) in order to get the hippos to chase him.  Then he would run and jump over a log because a hippo cannot jump over a log due to their small legs.  The game ended with him laughing and taunting a very pissed off hippo on the other side of a log.  Some 40 years later, the guide still got a solid laugh from his own antics.  I came to two conclusions after hearing his story.  One, I hope there is no kind of bad karma that comes from messing with hippos, or CJ is screwed.  Second,  I wish CJ had shared the whole log trick prior to finding the hippos.  That may have quelled some fears as we approached a school of the deadliest animals in Africa.

I am not sure if it was the walking through the terrain or the fear, but this activity definitely raised my heart rate.

On a side note, I included the rhino pic because there is a terrible rhino poaching problem in Africa.  I know everyone has a cause, but in case you lack one and want to do some type of good (other than probably dumping ice on your head), you can check out this website.  http://www.savetherhino.org/



Gorge hiking Victoria Falls - Victoria Falls, which is located in Zimbabwe, offered a number of great activities.  One that was of particular interest to myself was a gorge hike down Victoria Falls.  I mentioned this activity to our group, and my husband and my mother were both very interested.  We were told  that you should be pretty fit to partake in the hike, but we were all assured by the guide that we would have no problem completing the hike.

After taking a boat to a bus, and then a bus to the gorge, we were at the top of Victoria Falls.  Of note, the first thing I did was fall off of the bus.  That did not leave me brimming with confidence.

That picture to the left  is what we hiked.  Once we got to the bottom, we had to row through the water, climb over the rocks towards the pool that sat beneath the falls.  Once we reached the pool, we were free to swim (you know, with all that spare energy). I think telling us we needed to be somewhat fit was an understatement.

In addition to being a tough workout, it was also a scary workout.  The safety standards in Zimbabwe are different from the United States.  Part of our hike was literally climbing a ladder down the side of the gorge...but there were no hand rails.  On the way down, we had to do this climb while carrying a paddle (for the row below).  At other times, we were walking on a ledge that was about 12 inches wide...again, no railing.  After reaching the bottom and rowing to the falls, we had to climb over that very large pile of rocks, which were slippery from being wet.

Our guide explained that there was no trail because the water levels change every day, making it impossible to take the same path twice.  He called us pioneers.  By the time we reached the pool, I had fallen a lot, so I didn't want to pioneer anything; however, it was totally worth it when we reached the bottom of the falls.  We were able to swim, but  I use the term swim loosely.  My husband swam, but by that point, I had fallen into the pool, and I just opted to float around in my life jacket because I knew we were going to have to row back and then climb back up the gorge.

I must note that my mother was a rock star.  I was quite worried about her when I realized the physical intensity of our little gorge adventure.  It is funny how when you hit your late 20s/early 30s, the parent/child relationship reverses.   You start to worry about your parents doing dangerous things, and as long as you remain gainfully employed, your parents aren't nearly as concerned about what you do.

Horse back riding along the Zambezi River - I grew up on a horse farm, but ironically, there is a huge misconception that I dislike horses.  I believe this is largely because I do not ride them.  I have nothing against riding or horses.  I just have very particular criteria that no horse can actually meet.  I only want a horse that never goes too fast, never jumps in the air, is self cleaning, and has a side job to pay for its own room and board.  I think that is reasonable.

Anyhow, my mom loves riding, and I like horseback riding on vacation because vacation horses tend to meet all of my horse criteria.  The horses are usually slow, don't jump, and I am free of any responsibility to the horse as soon as I get off at the end of the ride.   My mother and I decided to ride along the Zambezi river, which separates Zimbabwe and Zambia.  See the picture of the sunset - gorgeous.


The ride began with a safety lecture from the guide regarding what to do in the event of an elephant stampede.  Apparently, there was a new baby in the local herd, and the elephants were rather protective.  In the event of a stampede, we were instructed to grab our horse's neck and hold, and the horse would run away, knowing how to get back to the farm.   I'm sure the guide gave this lecture everyday and no one ever said anything, but I felt the whole death by stampede conversation required some follow-up questions.    Isn't this putting a lot of faith in my horse?  I just met my horse!  How often were these alleged elephant attacks?   An elephant is still much larger than a horse.  Has this strategy ever actually produced a good result?

The safety instructor also showed us the symbol for turn around and run (again, not encouraging).  My pony had awfully stumpy legs, which was my original preference wanting a slow, non-jumping creature; however, slow, non-jumping creatures probably can't outrun attack elephants  Do I decide to upgrade to a real horse?  A real horse might go faster, and if I fell off, I would be falling a lot farther, but again, you know, the elephant issue.  Decisions, decisions.

I decided to stick with my little bush pony; however, I let her stop to eat whenever she wanted. In the event of an elephant attack, I wanted her to both have sufficient energy and to remember how much she liked the person on her back for allowing her to eat constantly.

The ride was a great way to get a different perspective of the animals.  While you're on horseback, the animals let you get much closer because they see you as another animal. For example, we got right in the mix of a herd of roughly 100 Cape Buffalo.  It was both frightening and amazing (much like many of the trip activities).   We could not cover as much ground to see as many animals because we could not go as fast as a Land Rover - especially when you opt for a walk-only pony who you allow to treat the land as her personal buffet,

 Luckily, we did not run across any elephants, so I did not have to see how fast my pony could move her little stumps.  Here is a link with some stats on the calories burned working with horses.  http://www.ultimatehorsesite.com/info/caloriesburned.html  I always feel like riding is a great abdominal workout. It also works your legs and arms...assuming you're instructing your horse to do something and not just allowing her to do whatever it wants in order to avoid death by elephant.

Gabby's Gobble 5k - Invading Kristin's Thanksgiving (November 27, 2014)

Kristin and I have been the best of friends for dangerously close to 20 years (I seriously don't know how we are old enough to say that).  We are lucky enough to live near each other in the DC metro area, but that does not stop us from also seeing each other when we are back in our home state of Delaware for the holidays (obviously - true love - can't get enough of each other).

At some point in October we were discussing our upcoming Thanksgiving plans,  Kristin mentioned that she would be running a 5k with her younger sister, Haley.  It was going to be Haley's first 5k!  Naturally, I took this special sister moment, and I invited myself to participate.  I believe a touchstone for true friendship is the ability to blatantly intrude on precious family moments.

I was very excited to run with Kristin and Haley!

First, I have never had the opportunity to run a race with Kristin.  When I say run with Kristin, I mean "run with" Kristin in a more theoretical way.  We would run in the same race, but she runs much faster than myself (I would describe it as road runner-esque).
Second, Haley is super cool.  I do not spend a lot of time with 12 year old kids, because that would be weird since I am not a middle school teacher.  Other than both of us being outside the target demographic of the Juniors' department at the mall, we would have little in common; however, Haley is an exception.  She is one fantastic kid (tween?).  I like to think it is because she has a ton of awesome role models, but given that her awesomeness surpasses all of ours, I think it is a result of nature, not nurture.  I still remember Haley's epic dance moves from  Kristin's wedding.

Gabby's Gobble 5k was held in Lewes, Delaware, which is an adorable beach town. Who doesn't want to run in an adorable beach town? One of the many reasons that I love running races is that most races are raising money for an incredibly worthy cause, and this race was no exception.   Our race benefited the Get Well Gabby Foundation, which raises money to find a cure for childhood brain cancer.  If you're interested, check out the organization  at http://getwellgabby.org/about-us/our-mission/

I have noticed a special energy among both the runners and the volunteers during races that benefit cancer and at the military races in DC area.  I really encourage participating in these races, or any race that benefits a worthy cause, in some way.  It will give you a fantastic case of hopefulness.


It was a chilly morning, but Kristin, Haley, Kristin's father and brother, myself, and my mother pinned on our numbers and headed to the start.  Did I mention that I invited my mother to participate?  If I am going to impose, I am not going to half ass it.

In honor of Thanksgiving,  some people were dressed as turkeys.  My favorite "turkeys" were the people who were wrapped in aluminum foil...leftover turkey.  In hindsight, we should have made family costumes, but maybe next year.

Kristin ran with her dad, and Haley was nice enough to let me run with her.  Haley rocked the 3.1 miles, as I suspected she would.  The race started and finished at Irish Eye's in Lewes.  The post-race goodies included Bloody Marys and hot dogs (aka, the breakfast of champions).  My mother asked if she could have a mimosa.  I had to explain to her that 5ks are not open bars.

The race was a fantastic way to start a day full of eating.  I felt refreshed and energized when I arrived at my in-law's house for Thanksgiving.  I have a lot of in-laws, and they are all great cooks.  When I say a lot, I am not talking 10 or 12.   For the first few years I dated my husband, relatives just kept coming out of the woodwork at family functions.  For a while, I thought it was some sort of weird test just to see how many names I could remember.  Turns out they are genuinely all related, but we are getting off topic.

I definitely think the Gabby's Gobble 5k should become a Hansen, Ward, Thompson, Lands, Brown family tradition.  The race was a blast and went off nicely, especially considering it was the inaugural year.  I can't wait to see what Kristin is doing for Christmas.  I will make sure my stocking is hung by her family's chimney with care.

Kristin and Haley, thank you so much for letting me get in on your Thanksgiving Day action.  You two are the best.