My night with a personal trainer - Call me ma'am (December 15, 2014)

I recently joined a new gym.  As many people who join gyms know, you usually get a free personal training session with your new membership.  I always take my free session because I like learning new exercises; however, this free session offered me so much more than new exercises.  This session offered me Jon.

Jon is a 20-year-old who had been a personal trainer for all of two weeks when I met him. A little back story on Jon.  He got into personal training because he is involved in fitness competitions.  I asked him if he meant competitions like Crossfit.  He said "No.  My competitions focus on being more aesthetically pleasing."  Well, at least Jon didn't beat around the bush.

Jon started his script.  "Alright ma'am, what are your goals?"  Well, my first goal was not to be called ma'am until I was a grandmother, but you already shit on that goal.  Great start, Jon.  Unfortunately for Jon, my other goal is to not go to his gym at least one day a week (remember the purpose of this blog).  I said that I would probably just like the usual generic things that all woman say, tighter butt, more toned thighs, and I like to generally maintain good health.  I watched him write on the paper "woman things."  Then Jon asked, "on a scale from one to ten, how committed are you to achieving your fitness goals?"  Me: "Probably a 5."  Jon: "Why only a 5?"  Jon was killing me at that point.  Just circle the number so we can move along.

After the questionnaire, Jon moved on to some preliminary fitness tests.  Jon: "You're in excellent shape for your age."  To be clear, I am 30. I am not Methuselah.  Me: "Thanks, Jon."

As I have previously mentioned, I have the upper body strength of a small child.  My fitness assessments always go the same way.  Everything goes pretty well, and then I am given either a push-up or a pull-up test.  That goes so poorly that the rest of the session is dedicated to my upper body.  Today was no different, but now Jon had a new goal for me.  He announced that I should put on 10 pounds of muscle, with at least two pounds in each of  my shoulders.  Jon also informs me that all of the Victoria's Secret models have really ripped shoulders.  When I asked him how much time he spent focusing on their shoulders, he backed away from that sales pitch.  I have included a picture of a Victoria's Secret model...Please, stop ogling her shoulders.

Remember how Jon competes? Well, he certainly didn't want me to forget.  While I was doing my overhead presses, Jon told me about his website.  Then, I guess in case I never got around to the website, Jon decided to whip out his phone to start showing me topless pictures. I have included a picture for your viewing pleasure.  Don't worry, I did get around to the website (hence how I obtained the picture), and I even forced it on my poor co-worker.  Someone else had to see what I could not un-see.  I think for the purpose of this post, the visual really helps you understand who and what I was dealing with on my fine Monday night.

To be fair to Jon, the session was awesome.  He had me do a lot of overhead presses and reverse flyes.  Jon also had me do super sets, which is basically when you do not take breaks in between sets - you hustle from one set to the next.  I had a spectacular shoulder workout (VS will probably catch wind of my shoulders and start calling me any day now).  In addition to a lot of new free weight and cable exercises for my shoulders, he also gave me a solid abdominal workout.  For one of the abdominal exercises, Jon tossed my legs while I held his ankles.  I love this ab exercise, and it isn't really one that I feel okay asking strangers to help me with at the gym, so I was grateful when Jon suggested it.  If you have a gym buddy, please do this exercise.  Your abs will thank you (after they hate you).

Anyhow, I recommend using those free personal training sessions anytime you get them.  It is nice to have a professional figure out what you need to work on and give you some fresh ideas.  It is an added bonus if he or she shows you topless internet pics.

A note for the holidays - I had my session with Jon on the 15th, but sometimes I don't get around to my posts until the weekend.  Today is actually the 21st.  I started Christmas shopping today.  I love it.

This afternoon, I watched a man frantically purchase a blow-up Hello Kitty lawn ornament in Wal-Mart.  Why?  Because it is December 21st, and he has absolutely no idea what to do.  Following Wal-Mart, I wandered over to Home Goods.  I was not planning to purchase any home goods, but I just wanted to watch the madness.  Home Goods did not disappoint.

See the picture of that 10 ft, tall stuffed giraffe.  That giraffe is $600.  As soon as I walked into the store that couple next to the giraffe had this conversation.  Woman: "Do you think we should get her that stuffed giraffe?" Man: "That could probably fit in our truck."  If that conversation happened on, let's say, November 30th, the conversation would sound more like this.  Woman: "Do you think we should get her that stuffed giraffe."  Man: "What the fuck is she going to do with a 10 ft. tall, $600 stuffed giraffe?" Woman: "You're right, I must be drunk.  That is a terrible idea."

On December 21st, that giraffe is getting in their truck.

Although I enjoy watching people make terrible shopping decisions, and I decorated my Christmas tree while listening to Serial (so addicting), I am actually quite into the holiday spirit.  With that, I want to wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas, or a merry anything else you celebrate
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Cardio Kickboxing - When Instructors Attack (December 13, 2014)

So, after returning from Africa, I was kind of playing catch-up.  I didn't have a lot of time to seek out anything too strange for lucky week 13. I opted for cardio kickboxing at my gym on the lovely morning of 12/13/14.  Of note, December 13 was my husband's 30th birthday.  I don't have any pictures from my workout, so I have just included some from his birthday.  I assume looking at pictures that don't make sense is better than looking at no pictures at all.

I was very excited when I got to the cardio kickboxing class.  There were a ton of people.  A crowded class can be annoying, but it is often a sign of a good class.  I counted over 50 people.  The variety was also something to behold.  The Zumba instructor from the class before stuck around.  I couldn't begin to guess her age.  She looked like a Real Housewife of Somewhere who just got done a fresh touch-up under the knife.  There was the guy who kept wandering in and out of the class in jeans, a t-shirt and a zip up fleece vest.  Next to the Zumba instructor, he was clearly the next best one to watch.  There was also a healthy mix of men and women, and people of all ages, shapes and sizes.  The room was very large, so it actually accommodated everyone, which was a nice surprise.  The aerobic room is located next to the pool, and the wall between the pool and the aerobics room is actually a window.  This provided another "participant" of sorts - an old man who sat in the pool and watched the class.  At first, I thought this was creepy, but as the class went along, I could see why he wanted to watch the show.  I guess it didn't make him less creepy, but at least it sort of validated his creepy.

The instructor was in fantastic shape.  I have a suspicion she is current or former military because in addition to be in fantastic shape, she gave her instructions like a drill sergeant.  She also started yelling "It will either be you or the enemy."  Me or the enemy? What? When? I am just trying to do some air punches to burn off birthday cake.  No enemy here (well, I guess the birthday cake).  This statement was followed by "your muscles will remember these moves so your natural reflex becomes to destroy the enemy."  In my head I thought, okay, the screaming about the enemy seems a bit aggressive, but the workout is great so far.

Sometimes in kickboxing, the instructors will walk around with a glove on their hand and encourage the students to punch the glove.  The instructor of this class decided to walked around and let people punch her palm.  I have never seen this.  No padding, just attack her hand.

Class rolled on.  At one point, she determined that our kicks were not adequate.  She yelled, "He is going to grab your leg, flip you over, and you are going to end up on the 5 o'clock news."  The room filled with some of the most nervous/awkward laughter that I have ever heard.  We are about two-thirds of the way through the class at this point.  The instructor decided that we needed to know just how we were going to get attacked.  She grabbed the head of a girl in the row in front of me and told the girl to try and punch her because otherwise her neck would get snapped.  I moved farther back in the room,

The instructor then moved on to a gentleman in the class.  We were doing burpees at this point, and she started grabbing for his knees to throw him on his back.  She succeeded.  She said that was to demonstrate the importance of the burpee.   I didn't really need to know the purpose.  I was happy just to blindly comply with the instruction.  In case you don't know, this is a burpee: http://www.wikihow.com/Do-a-Burpee  Thanks, WikiHow.

The instructor also ran to the corner of the room at one point to demonstrate how to punch out of a corner for "when the enemy has you trapped in a confined space."

Other than being frightening, the class was a great workout.  The name absolutely captured the class - there was a solid amount of cardio, kicking and boxing.  Additionally, I learned how I am supposed to kick a car door into someone if they are coming at me in my car, and I also learned how to smash a skull and snap a neck.  I absolutely appreciate that the instructor is trying to make women more safe and strong.  I think that is a fantastic goal; however, I would probably save some of her more aggressive commentary, such as how I am going to make it on the news due to my pathetic kicks, for an actual self defense class.

It was not the workout that I was expecting nestled between my morning latte and my Target run.  I will probably go back...because otherwise she might yell at me.

Hippo tracking and other ways to exercise (or terrify yourself) on vacation in Africa (the first week in December)

I was fortunate enough to spend 10 days in Africa at the beginning of December.  It may sound cliche, but it was truly the trip of a lifetime.  The flying time is 20+ hours each way, so I was very anxious to find some ways to exercise when I landed.  Africa did not disappoint  I will keep my commentary brief, since the real fun is looking at the pictures!

Hippo Tracking - I call this adventure hippo tracking, but it was technically a bush hike.  After two days of doing long morning and evening game drives, I remembered that our guide mentioned "bush hikes," which were basically safaris on foot.  I expressed interest in this activity on behalf of the group (admittedly, without group consent).  In hindsight, I don't know what I was thinking.  We had just spent two days looking for (and finding) a number of deadly animals.  These animals were intimidating from the comfort of an open air Land Rover.  Why in the world would we want to see them on foot?

Our "bush hike" started when our guide, CJ, stopped our Land Rover in the middle of no where and instructed us to get out and start walking.  We laughed because we assumed he was joking.  He was not joking.

CJ brought a gun with him, but this actually was a joke.  We were on a game preserve. There would be no shooting any animals.  In fact, two days earlier, another guide was chased up a tree by 9 lions and he had to wait it out until he was rescued by a Land Rover.  The gun looked like a Civil War reenactment gun, and it had 3 bullets.  That brings me to my second point.  Even if the gun functioned, the bullet to creature ratio was not in our favor (see 9 lions referenced above).

Anyhow, we started walking through the dense bush.  We probably walked for a little over an hour. It was hard to keep track of time with my heart beating out of my chest.  Interestingly, a large portion of the walk involved scrutinizing animal shit.  I can now distinguish between elephant, rhino, and hippo feces.  I am not sure how to weave that skill into my LinkedIn profile, but I can address that isse at a later date.

We noticed hippo footprints and poop, which appeared fresh.  Suddenly, we heard something down near the water (that I thought sounded like a lion roar because I apparently missed the lesson on animal sounds as a toddler).  Off we went.  As we quietly approached the water, our guide began to tell us that hippos kill more people in Africa than any other animal.  Super comforting.   My husband spotted some air bubbles, and shortly after that, we spotted a large school of hippos!   After spotting the hippos, we quickly left.  The hippos were all giving us the stink eye, and after the whole "deadliest animal" speech, lingering seemed like a poor choice.

On our way back to the Land Rover, the guide told us a story about how when he was a child he used to harass hippos using a red cape (I'm picturing a matador) in order to get the hippos to chase him.  Then he would run and jump over a log because a hippo cannot jump over a log due to their small legs.  The game ended with him laughing and taunting a very pissed off hippo on the other side of a log.  Some 40 years later, the guide still got a solid laugh from his own antics.  I came to two conclusions after hearing his story.  One, I hope there is no kind of bad karma that comes from messing with hippos, or CJ is screwed.  Second,  I wish CJ had shared the whole log trick prior to finding the hippos.  That may have quelled some fears as we approached a school of the deadliest animals in Africa.

I am not sure if it was the walking through the terrain or the fear, but this activity definitely raised my heart rate.

On a side note, I included the rhino pic because there is a terrible rhino poaching problem in Africa.  I know everyone has a cause, but in case you lack one and want to do some type of good (other than probably dumping ice on your head), you can check out this website.  http://www.savetherhino.org/



Gorge hiking Victoria Falls - Victoria Falls, which is located in Zimbabwe, offered a number of great activities.  One that was of particular interest to myself was a gorge hike down Victoria Falls.  I mentioned this activity to our group, and my husband and my mother were both very interested.  We were told  that you should be pretty fit to partake in the hike, but we were all assured by the guide that we would have no problem completing the hike.

After taking a boat to a bus, and then a bus to the gorge, we were at the top of Victoria Falls.  Of note, the first thing I did was fall off of the bus.  That did not leave me brimming with confidence.

That picture to the left  is what we hiked.  Once we got to the bottom, we had to row through the water, climb over the rocks towards the pool that sat beneath the falls.  Once we reached the pool, we were free to swim (you know, with all that spare energy). I think telling us we needed to be somewhat fit was an understatement.

In addition to being a tough workout, it was also a scary workout.  The safety standards in Zimbabwe are different from the United States.  Part of our hike was literally climbing a ladder down the side of the gorge...but there were no hand rails.  On the way down, we had to do this climb while carrying a paddle (for the row below).  At other times, we were walking on a ledge that was about 12 inches wide...again, no railing.  After reaching the bottom and rowing to the falls, we had to climb over that very large pile of rocks, which were slippery from being wet.

Our guide explained that there was no trail because the water levels change every day, making it impossible to take the same path twice.  He called us pioneers.  By the time we reached the pool, I had fallen a lot, so I didn't want to pioneer anything; however, it was totally worth it when we reached the bottom of the falls.  We were able to swim, but  I use the term swim loosely.  My husband swam, but by that point, I had fallen into the pool, and I just opted to float around in my life jacket because I knew we were going to have to row back and then climb back up the gorge.

I must note that my mother was a rock star.  I was quite worried about her when I realized the physical intensity of our little gorge adventure.  It is funny how when you hit your late 20s/early 30s, the parent/child relationship reverses.   You start to worry about your parents doing dangerous things, and as long as you remain gainfully employed, your parents aren't nearly as concerned about what you do.

Horse back riding along the Zambezi River - I grew up on a horse farm, but ironically, there is a huge misconception that I dislike horses.  I believe this is largely because I do not ride them.  I have nothing against riding or horses.  I just have very particular criteria that no horse can actually meet.  I only want a horse that never goes too fast, never jumps in the air, is self cleaning, and has a side job to pay for its own room and board.  I think that is reasonable.

Anyhow, my mom loves riding, and I like horseback riding on vacation because vacation horses tend to meet all of my horse criteria.  The horses are usually slow, don't jump, and I am free of any responsibility to the horse as soon as I get off at the end of the ride.   My mother and I decided to ride along the Zambezi river, which separates Zimbabwe and Zambia.  See the picture of the sunset - gorgeous.


The ride began with a safety lecture from the guide regarding what to do in the event of an elephant stampede.  Apparently, there was a new baby in the local herd, and the elephants were rather protective.  In the event of a stampede, we were instructed to grab our horse's neck and hold, and the horse would run away, knowing how to get back to the farm.   I'm sure the guide gave this lecture everyday and no one ever said anything, but I felt the whole death by stampede conversation required some follow-up questions.    Isn't this putting a lot of faith in my horse?  I just met my horse!  How often were these alleged elephant attacks?   An elephant is still much larger than a horse.  Has this strategy ever actually produced a good result?

The safety instructor also showed us the symbol for turn around and run (again, not encouraging).  My pony had awfully stumpy legs, which was my original preference wanting a slow, non-jumping creature; however, slow, non-jumping creatures probably can't outrun attack elephants  Do I decide to upgrade to a real horse?  A real horse might go faster, and if I fell off, I would be falling a lot farther, but again, you know, the elephant issue.  Decisions, decisions.

I decided to stick with my little bush pony; however, I let her stop to eat whenever she wanted. In the event of an elephant attack, I wanted her to both have sufficient energy and to remember how much she liked the person on her back for allowing her to eat constantly.

The ride was a great way to get a different perspective of the animals.  While you're on horseback, the animals let you get much closer because they see you as another animal. For example, we got right in the mix of a herd of roughly 100 Cape Buffalo.  It was both frightening and amazing (much like many of the trip activities).   We could not cover as much ground to see as many animals because we could not go as fast as a Land Rover - especially when you opt for a walk-only pony who you allow to treat the land as her personal buffet,

 Luckily, we did not run across any elephants, so I did not have to see how fast my pony could move her little stumps.  Here is a link with some stats on the calories burned working with horses.  http://www.ultimatehorsesite.com/info/caloriesburned.html  I always feel like riding is a great abdominal workout. It also works your legs and arms...assuming you're instructing your horse to do something and not just allowing her to do whatever it wants in order to avoid death by elephant.

Gabby's Gobble 5k - Invading Kristin's Thanksgiving (November 27, 2014)

Kristin and I have been the best of friends for dangerously close to 20 years (I seriously don't know how we are old enough to say that).  We are lucky enough to live near each other in the DC metro area, but that does not stop us from also seeing each other when we are back in our home state of Delaware for the holidays (obviously - true love - can't get enough of each other).

At some point in October we were discussing our upcoming Thanksgiving plans,  Kristin mentioned that she would be running a 5k with her younger sister, Haley.  It was going to be Haley's first 5k!  Naturally, I took this special sister moment, and I invited myself to participate.  I believe a touchstone for true friendship is the ability to blatantly intrude on precious family moments.

I was very excited to run with Kristin and Haley!

First, I have never had the opportunity to run a race with Kristin.  When I say run with Kristin, I mean "run with" Kristin in a more theoretical way.  We would run in the same race, but she runs much faster than myself (I would describe it as road runner-esque).
Second, Haley is super cool.  I do not spend a lot of time with 12 year old kids, because that would be weird since I am not a middle school teacher.  Other than both of us being outside the target demographic of the Juniors' department at the mall, we would have little in common; however, Haley is an exception.  She is one fantastic kid (tween?).  I like to think it is because she has a ton of awesome role models, but given that her awesomeness surpasses all of ours, I think it is a result of nature, not nurture.  I still remember Haley's epic dance moves from  Kristin's wedding.

Gabby's Gobble 5k was held in Lewes, Delaware, which is an adorable beach town. Who doesn't want to run in an adorable beach town? One of the many reasons that I love running races is that most races are raising money for an incredibly worthy cause, and this race was no exception.   Our race benefited the Get Well Gabby Foundation, which raises money to find a cure for childhood brain cancer.  If you're interested, check out the organization  at http://getwellgabby.org/about-us/our-mission/

I have noticed a special energy among both the runners and the volunteers during races that benefit cancer and at the military races in DC area.  I really encourage participating in these races, or any race that benefits a worthy cause, in some way.  It will give you a fantastic case of hopefulness.


It was a chilly morning, but Kristin, Haley, Kristin's father and brother, myself, and my mother pinned on our numbers and headed to the start.  Did I mention that I invited my mother to participate?  If I am going to impose, I am not going to half ass it.

In honor of Thanksgiving,  some people were dressed as turkeys.  My favorite "turkeys" were the people who were wrapped in aluminum foil...leftover turkey.  In hindsight, we should have made family costumes, but maybe next year.

Kristin ran with her dad, and Haley was nice enough to let me run with her.  Haley rocked the 3.1 miles, as I suspected she would.  The race started and finished at Irish Eye's in Lewes.  The post-race goodies included Bloody Marys and hot dogs (aka, the breakfast of champions).  My mother asked if she could have a mimosa.  I had to explain to her that 5ks are not open bars.

The race was a fantastic way to start a day full of eating.  I felt refreshed and energized when I arrived at my in-law's house for Thanksgiving.  I have a lot of in-laws, and they are all great cooks.  When I say a lot, I am not talking 10 or 12.   For the first few years I dated my husband, relatives just kept coming out of the woodwork at family functions.  For a while, I thought it was some sort of weird test just to see how many names I could remember.  Turns out they are genuinely all related, but we are getting off topic.

I definitely think the Gabby's Gobble 5k should become a Hansen, Ward, Thompson, Lands, Brown family tradition.  The race was a blast and went off nicely, especially considering it was the inaugural year.  I can't wait to see what Kristin is doing for Christmas.  I will make sure my stocking is hung by her family's chimney with care.

Kristin and Haley, thank you so much for letting me get in on your Thanksgiving Day action.  You two are the best.

Aqua Zumba - Taking my gyrating "talents" to the sea...sort of (November 22, 2014)

Due to a hectic workweek,I kept my workouts simple this week.  In other words, all I did was run. This left me very excited for my  new workout of the week on Saturday, Aqua Zumba.  Apparently, much like yoga, Zumba can be done in a lot of places - or at least above and below water.

I am a bit of a slow mover on Saturday mornings, so I got to class during the middle of the first song.  I scurried into the pool.  I felt bad at first, but I soon realized that people come and go during the entire workout.  Maybe water workouts are more casual?

After the first song ended, the woman in front of me turned around and said "you're too tall," and pointed towards the exit. This was alarming.  I did not know there were height restrictions for Aqua Zumba! The woman to my right must have seen the panic on my face because she translated the very blunt message.  "She means you should move to the deep end of the pool because you're tall.  You want your arms under water so that you get a good workout."  This made way more sense than flailing around in water up to my waist...which was what I did for the first song.

I waded down to the 5 ft section of the pool, and shit got real.  Aqua Zumba was no joke!

Felicia, the lovely gal who translated the height instructions, seemed to be a part of a group of regulars.  Felicia and her fellow aqua gals instructed me to get in the middle of their circle in the water.  I felt both protected and terrified.

The instructor stood outside of the pool at the front of the room. I never gave any thought to the fact that the instructor would have to be outside of the pool in order for us to see what she was doing.  I am not sure if it was because the acoustics were bad, but the instructor did not say much, she just howled.  Literally, she howled like a wolf. When she howled, the class was supposed to respond with a howl (or so it seemed).

I followed Felicia's lead.  She knew the entire soundtrack.  There was a little Latin fusion, but there were also a lot of water-themed songs.  We heard a little "Ice, Ice, Baby," "Pontune," and "Wipeout," among others.  Luckily, just like regular Zumba, Pitbull made an appearance (thank goodness).

Like a regular Zumba class, there was also some random person having a party for one.  However, in a plot twist, she was in the front of the room.  You can really only see a person's head in AquaZumba, so you would  think the class would hide someone doing their own thing, but when someone flails their arms in and out of the water and faces the opposite direction, the cat is out of the bag.

The workout was much harder than I anticipated.  You do the same movements as you do in a Zumba class, but underwater (the name of the class is not hiding anything).  The resistance from the water makes everything more intense.

About 45 minutes into the class, you use water weights.  Felicia and her posse insisted that I use the big weights.  I don't know if they thought I needed to beef up, or if they thought I was super strong (I am assuming the former).   The weights that you use are constantly attempting to float to the top of the water, which makes for a surprising workout.  For example, bicep curls really do more of a triceps workout because the weights are constantly pulling up, and you are really pulling down.  Additionally, your core gets a great workout because you are using everything to keep the weights under the water.

The cool down did not involve much, but that was fine.  Interestingly, the instructor meowed during the cool down, which was a first.  A few people meowed back.  I decided that I was going to tap out after a few howls.

Adding water did not improve my dancing skills, but no one could see my moves, so that was a plus!   I am definitely returning to AquaZumba, and not because I am pretty sure I was initiated into some kind of water workout gang.   AquaZumba gave me a great workout without some of the strain I can sometimes feel in my elbows or other body parts when doing weightlifting work.

I felt like the class focused mainly on the upper-body, but that could have just been the set list for that particular class.  After a week of only running, it was nice to give my legs a great.  Plus, I think like a lot of women, I tend to do more cardiovascular workouts and neglect arm work.  The instructor might focus on the lower body during her Monday class (which Felicia instructed me to attend).

Shape Magazine estimates that you can burn up to 700 calories doing AquaZumba.  http://www.shape.com/fitness/cardio/8-low-impact-workouts-still-burn-major-calories/slide/3 Assuming this really is the average, please keep in mind there are a lot of variables that go into determining your calorie burn.  I will assume AquaZumba burns a nice amount of calories, and I know it also offers a great toning workout.  A win-win.

Felicia told me that AquaZumba was the reason that she joined our gym.  I really liked hearing this because I have never asked anyone why they have chosen a gym.  I think I will probably start asking that question when I try out new classes/gyms.

Of note, I was not going to wander into a class and take pictures of a bunch of women that I have never met in their bathing suits, so I took a picture of the empty pool.  To stick with the water theme, I just added some pictures of water from my travels to Costa Rica and Greece.  The End.

UFC Kickboxing with Georgeann - We now own pink wraps and sore arms (November 10, 2014)

I have learned that a fantastic coworker is like a solar eclipse - awesome and rare.   I am not talking about tolerable coworkers - the kind you are willing to discuss sports with, or go to a bar with after work.  Those are a dime a dozen (well, once you filter out the weirdos and dbags).  I am talking a truly great coworker who you want to spend time with even after a long day spent in the office.  Georgeann is my truly great coworker.  She is lovely, lots of fun and right down the hall - win.

At my last job, the woman who sat in the cubicle attached to mine used to spend all day on the phone...having loud phone sex.  I knew more about her underwear than I ever wanted to know about any underwear (lots of mesh thongs and animal prints).  I also learned a lot about her anatomy and the anatomy of strangers.  For example, there is a man out there named Richard who is not well-endowed (sorry, Richard).  Ironically, for all her penis and undergarment talk, she was happily married to a woman - go figure.  I was getting close to asking her to stop her sexually explicit conversations - or at least use her six-inch voice, but then I heard her on the phone with the police discussing how her cousin stabbed someone...I decided to purchase earplugs.  Needless to say, I am ecstatic to now have Georgeann...and my own office.


Georgeann knows about my challenge to attempt a new workout every week.  I asked her if she wanted to join me at a gym near our office, and she was totally down for some kickboxing.  After work, we popped over to the gym to take our class.

In our minds, we were going to one of those classes where we would kick and punch at the air while rocking out to the latest pop hits.  We were completely wrong.

We showed up to the UFC gym, and as soon as we walked in the door we realized our class was going to be very different from our expectations.  There were tons of bags lined up and a boxing ring in the center.  This made me a little nervous.  Again, I really like Georgeann, and I was afraid that accidentally inviting her to a sparring match would put a damper on our blossoming friendship.

Luckily, we did not get thrown in the ring; however, we did have to wear wraps and gloves. Your first class is free at the UFC gym, but you have to wear gloves and wraps.  They loan you gloves, but you had to purchase the wraps (so your first class is really $9.99).  We purchased pink ones because nothing screams intimidation like two girls purchasing matching pink wraps.  Bring it.

After we were all wrapped and gloved, we did a running warm-up with the rest of the class.  We then started a number of punching and kicking sequences.  We each got our own 150 pound bag.  After a few punches, I knew that I was screwed.  I bruise like a peach, and I was no match for the bag.  The first time that I kicked the bag I am pretty sure a muttered (or bellowed) ouch.

The trainer was incredibly nice and patient.  He gave us a lot of helpful tips for "dancing with" the bag.  Between each punching and kicking sequence, we did 30 second cardio bursts, such as burpees and jumping jacks in the push-up position.  One of the cardio bursts was a break dancing move.  I don't know if the break dancing move was new to the class, or maybe there is just no way not to look absurd attempting to break dance in boxing gloves, but that move gave me a good laugh.  At the end of our sequences we were able to free style.  This just involved punching the bag and hopping around in circles (at least for me).

We ended the class with some sprints and 10 minutes of abdominal work.  We did a series of ab exercises in 20 second increments.  It was tough.  The trainer kept making jokes about how he made people vomit with his workouts - the joke became less and less funny as the ab workout continued, but probably only because I started to suspect that it wasn't actually a joke, but a warning.  I was really longing for my pop hits and sweet air kicks by the end of the class,

The workout was intense and enjoyable.  Georgeann and I both commiserated over our sore arms the next morning. It was challenging and definitely different.  Will I do it again? Doubtful.  It is a bit expensive, and at some point I think the goal is to graduate into the boxing ring and this soft peach has no interest in that end game.

I am really glad that Georgeann is still speaking to me after our adventure.  Thanks, Georgeann!  You are a great sport.  I hope we can wear our matching wraps to the office holiday party.

Jazzercise with Lena - An event, not a workout (November 1, 2014)

For my 7th week, my friend Lena invited me to go to Jazzercise with her. I do not watch Scandal, but Lena is how I picture Olivia Pope.  She is an attorney, and she is tough as nails at work; however, she has a heart of gold (as demonstrated by her not-so-mild obsession with Taylor Swift and love for Jazzercise).  She also has an incredible wardrobe.

When Lena invited me to Jazzercise, I decided to Google the workout to see what I was getting myself into. Based on the images, I immediately wondered how Lena was planning on taking us back to 1987.  There were lots of leotards - I immediately sent Lena an email asking her what to wear. She said gym clothes would be fine.  As evidenced by the picture, Lena was wearing an adorable workout dress (see my faux-Pope reasoning).  Also, that man with the sweet stems is Kevin, the instructor.

Lena told me that I needed to go with her on a Saturday morning so that we could workout with Kevin.  She said that Jazzercise  with Kevin was an event, not a workout.  She was right.

I got up bright and early on November 1 to jazz off the uncomfortable amount of tootsie rolls and Reeses cups I had as part of my well-balanced pizza and wine Halloween dinner.  I was hoping no one would still be in a Halloween costume.  I could not take seeing one more slutty ninja turtle.  I have no problem with the slutty Halloween costumes - have at it, but things are getting nonsensical.  How about a traditional slutty witch?  No, you decide nothing screams sexy like a pizza-eating, sewer-dwelling, reptile.  In the words of teenage girls, I can't.

Luckily, there were no costumes, but there was a whole lot of sass.  Lena has us stand in the front row, and Kevin stood on a stage in front of us.  It felt a little bit like being at a concert.  A well-lit concert solely composed of middle-aged women, but a concert nonetheless.  Kevin was fantastic. He opened the class by discussing his Halloween. I always appreciate it when instructors share a little bit of their personal life.  He watched "Sex Tape," Apparently, it was delightful (who would have guessed).

The first forty-five minutes or so of a Jazzercise class involves choreographed dancing to today's pop songs - your Britney, Taylor, Bruno, etc.   In addition to providing us with a great workout, Kevin sang pretty much everything.  I don't think I have ever seen an instructor get a class so involved.  If he asked us to groan like Britney in Work B*tch, well, we all groaned in unison.  That is power.  He was very committed to the moves, which I think inspired the class.  He was not one of those instructors that just told the class what to do and only intermittently participated. Nope, if we were expected to pop out our hip and grab our ass cheek (which we were), Kevin was going to pop out his hip and grab his ass cheek (and he did it well).

The last fifteen minutes of the workout involved lifting weights, which I did not expect.  The cardio portion was such a good workout that I didn't really feel the need to lift weights, but it was a pleasant surprise to get a more well-rounded workout.

According to all-knowing internet, you burn roughly 422 calories in Jazzercise. http://www.livestrong.com/article/320555-how-many-calories-are-burned-in-one-hour-of-jazzercise/
I actually think I burned more, which I rarely say about a workout.  I'm not sure if it was Kevin, Lena, Jazzercise, or a combination of all three, but it was a fantastic way to spend a Saturday morning.  I will definitely go back.  Jazzercise was the kind of experience that I hope to have many times doing this new workout every week experiment.  I tried something totally different that I never would have thought of on my own, and I loved it!  Thanks, Lena!

Bootcamp with Batman...and Liz (October 25, 2014)

My friend Liz is hilarious.  In fact, she is probably one of the funniest people that I have ever had the privilege of meeting.  Liz and I often entertain each other with our work stories.  Like me, she also works in an office. I have learned that most offices are more like the television show "The Office" than they are like the strict professional environments we are warned of in school.  On Tuesday afternoon, Liz texted me to report that her coworkers were blaring "Careless Whisper" at full volume.   Going to my overall theory on offices, on the same day, my friend Erin (See yoga post) informed me that "I'm Real" by Ja Rule and J.Lo was pumping in her office.  Look up the opening line of "I'm Real."   Was this the soundtrack to Tuesday in the professional world?  Yes.  It was also the soundtrack to my high school dances, but we are getting off topic.

After addressing George Michael, I informed Liz of my new goal of attempting a new workout every week.  She asked me if I wanted to workout in a parking deck with Batman on Saturday morning.  My answer was obviously "yes, yes, a thousand times, yes."  She proceeded to send me a screen shot of a man

dressed in Batman gear taking a selfie.  That man, Batman, would be our fantastic trainer.

I picked Liz up on Saturday morning, and we headed out to...well...the street, to begin our workout.  The weather was gorgeous, so the workout ended up being outside on a beautiful patch of grass (perhaps we could call it a "square") along a cross street in Alexandria.  That is really the best description that I can give regarding our workout space - a pretty cross street.

Batman was awesome.  He used to be Liz's personal trainer, and he is also an aspiring actor.  Look for him in an episode of "House of Cards."  He said Kevin Spacey is crazy.  Again, off topic.

We started off the workout with a brief jog down the street to warm-up.  This allowed Liz and I an opportunity to catch up with each other before we no longer had the lung capacity to speak.  After our warm-up, Batman instructed us to do a series of walking lunges, sprints, burpees, etc.  I liked this boot camp for a number of reasons.  First, I was ready for an individual boot camp experience after my FO experience. Second, it was awesome to workout outside.  Third, Batman allowed us to go at our own pace, which worked well because there were 8 of us, and we were all at different fitness levels.

There was an elevated area on the "square"  where we were all able to put our mats for our stretching and ab workout at the end of class.  That is when things got really entertaining.  Batman broke out into song - Nelly's Thong Song.  He did his own slow, baritone version of the song while we switched between planks and crunches.  Earl, another person in the class, also provided his own rendition of "Circle of Life" from the Lion King.  At that point, the ab workout was kind of a bust for me because I was laughing too hard (I had the privilege of laying right next to Earl for his Broadway moment).

This workout was great.  For $10, I was highly entertained, and I was sore for days.  Batman made it very clear that he does not do cold weather, so the winter should provide me with the perfect opportunity to see what Batman can do with a parking deck.

Liz, thank you for taking me to this workout/show.

FO Fitness - A sensory overlaod (October 15, 2014)

I have a problem with purchasing LivingSocial deals and Groupons.  I have tried to quit, but I just cannot resist.   I can only purchase so many monogrammed necklaces and photo books, so I usually go for the gym classes!

On an aside, I do not purchase massages from either of these sites, and I encourage you to also resist that temptation.  If you plan on having a stranger touch you while you're naked in a confined space, please pay full price.  This is not limited to massages.  No one has ever boasted about their fantastic discount prostitute experience or those perfect breast implants they got in a Mexican hotel. Pay full price under those circumstances.  However, as I said, go nuts with the workouts!  (That was my PSA)

As I mentioned in the title, this was a sensory overload.  FO Fitness is located in what I think is a strip mall in Alexandria?  It was hard to tell because I got there after dark, and the only thing that was really lit up in the parking lot was the adjoining Cigar Palace (cigars, synonymous with  "good workout").

When I walked into the gym there was a guy in a lot of black Under Armour. You know that guy - head-to-toe spandex because otherwise you might miss how extremely jacked he is.  The gym was pretty bare bones, as evidenced by the picture.  I couldn't get any other pictures, so I included a picture of my sweet comic strip workout pants.  My husband is not a fan, but they are awesome.

I have no problem with a gym that lacks bells and whistles.  I find that sometimes it is actually an indicator of a better workout because the gym and trainers are getting right to the point.  They don't need to dress things up.  It is kind of a like a dive bar.  You just need the drinks and the good company for a good night - no frills.   The workout room was also tiny, so I knew there was no hiding behind any of the fellow attendants.  At that point, I had one of those "oh, shit" moments because I realized that my Wednesday night was going to be more intense than expected.

The ten of us followed the spandex-ed man (oh, did I mention he was wearing a beanie, naturally) into the workout room, and the music started...Katy Perry's California Girls started blaring, and the man in the spandex started doing his only little jig to KP.  I was totally confused.  Did I completely misread this situation?

I did not.   Despite working out the entire class to Katy Perry's greatest hits, the workout was very difficult.  The workout was done in a bootcamp format at a fast pace.  For example, we carried 30-pound weights up and down stairs while our partner did a series of wind sprints, and then we switched places.  We also took turns holding our partner's ankles while they tossed our legs 100 times for ab work, and then we switched.  This leads me to an important point - the entire workout involved pairs.  I liked this because this pushed me.  There was no way I was going to tell the linebacker-esque woman tossing my legs that it was starting to hurt.  I had to suck it up and hope that "I Kissed A Girl" could push me through the pain.

Aside from the gym being...well, unexpected, I received a solid workout.   However,  they could invest in some fresh equipment.  They have everything you could need, but their benches are a little torn up, and we will just say the mats look a bit...vintage.  I'm pretty sure they were once yellow?

Though I was slightly befuddled by the mix of spandex, KP, and the Cigar Palace, I would return...if only not to waste my Living Social deal...and to get my ass kicked by a lady linebacker.

MetroBarre - 1 inch is not 6 inches (October 12, 2014)

This week my workout adventure took place at a local "arts center" near my house.   My very sweet friend, Laura, was my victim this week.  She is always a trooper about trying things at the gym with me, and this week MetroBarre was on the docket.  Thank you, Laura.

I have participated in barre classes in the past, which I will discuss someday, but MetroBarre is a little different.

I actually asked the instructor to explain the difference between MetroBarre and traditional barre (not being an ass, just a genuine question).  The instructor explained that she mixed together all of her favorite workouts - barre, yoga and dance.  Basically, MetroBarre is different because the instructor can do whatever she wants.

The description online gives you a better idea of what the class entails: http://metropolitanarts.org/adult-dance-fitness/metrobarre/

 Barre workouts generally involve using light weights and squishy balls (see pictures) to perform very small movements. We are talking one-inch small. The MetroBarre instructor has a joke that she likes to say if you move too much.  "Oh, you think one inch is six inches?  Isn't your husband lucky."  Seriously, that joke never gets old.

These tiny movements are designed to tone your arms, legs, abs and butt (basically, every place you want tighter and lifted).  I think barre workouts are amazing and extremely hard.  MetroBarre is no exception.

 Even though she had no previous experience, Laura appeared to have a knack for MetroBarre.  These pictures are us just screwing around in the studio.  As you can see, even screwing around Laura still looks pretty graceful.  I, on the other hand, look like a mildly deranged bowler.

The only downfall to the very vague parameters of the MetroBarre class is that you are never quite sure what you are going to be doing.  For example, I described the class to Laura as involving tiny movements and yoga stretching, but tonight the instructor decided to incorporate mountain climbers.  I don't mind mountain climbers, but they don't really fall into the yoga, dance, or barre category.

Regardless, Laura and I had fun.  I am a big proponent of barre, especially MetroBarre. I like that they spice things up by incorporating some dance and yoga...and mountain climbers, and my ass always feels a little higher after I leave the class.  That feeling is probably just in my head and not reality, but regardless, I am satisfied.

The arts center is a really nice place to get a taste for barre because they allow you to try out your first workout for free. They also offer some reasonable packages.

It is an "arts center," and not a gym, so you have to be prepared for a lot of different things going on at any given time.  I have been a few times, and there are often dozens of 9-year-old ballerinas running around, which can be confusing when you arrive looking for a gym class (I was very confused the first time I went).  Also, I think there is a theater attached.  When I left last week, I am pretty sure I saw a middle-aged woman hotboxing in her car.  I am not sure if she was a dancer, actor, or an exercise enthusiast.  I suppose it does not matter because glaucoma patients are certainly allowed to participate in all of those activities...

Running - I know that seems obvious (October 4, 2014)

I love summer.  However, I am at the age where every summer consists of lots of weddings and wedding activities.  Weddings are amazing for your heart and soul, and probably the consolation prize for no longer being in your early 20s.  You basically get to spend every weekend with friends and family partying and celebrating people you care about who have found happiness.  And even if you are spending the weekend with people you barely know watching two people make a questionable life choice, there is usually cake and a bar, so life isn't too bad.  This leads me to my only complaint about summer - it is hell on your workout regimen.  You are provided with an unlimited amount of high calorie sweets and cocktails, but usually travelling without access to your usual workout, or willpower.

This weekend, I found myself at a gorgeous fall wedding in New York City, watching an amazing and happy couple profess their love for each other...and drinking wine and pounding cupcakes.  I didn't need my Nutrition courses to know that my insides were going to hate me soon.  However, this weekend, I tried to be proactive, so I packed sneakers.

At first, while in my hotel, I looked up spin classes and boot camp classes in the city, and then I realized I was being ridiculous.  I really only needed the sneakers.  I was in a beautiful city on a time crunch.  I decided to run through Central Park.    

I am not a fast runner, but I like running.  I meander along at my 10 minute mile, and I am quite satisfied with that pace. The only exception is when a woman running while pushing two babies in a stroller flies by me.   That hurts a little. Regardless of speed, I know I am getting a great cardiovascular workout, and I can cover just slightly more ground than I can when I am walking.

Running is awesome for a number of reasons.  It is a workout that does not require equipment, and if you feel like doing races, there are always tons happening in cities all over the country on any given weekend.

Additionally, there are running groups in every city. I lived in Richmond briefly, and I attempted joining a running group.  I was never actually able to find them in the park (in hindsight, how was I supposed to know which runners were in the group), but I still get the trusty emails 5 years after I left that city.  Anyhow, that demonstrates one of the nice things about running.  I was still able to run.  Running isn't like tennis.  I can do it alone.   If I showed up to the tennis court, and there was no on the other side of the net, the workout would suck (and I wouldn't be able to play off not finding who I was looking for nearly as well).

This Runner's World link can give you a good idea of how many calories you can burn on a run. http://www.runnersworld.com/tools/calories-burned-calculator

I didn't know where I was going in Central Park, which did not bother me (although it probably bothered the British couple I tried to help with directions), but if you want a more specific route, try www.mapmyrun.com.

I do have to say that running has some disadvantages.  I don't know too many people who haven't had shin splints, stress fractures, runners' knee, or some other joint issue at some point in their running career. That said, I think it is worth it to give it a shot, but know your limits.  If you are just starting to run, perhaps rotate between running and walking and build your speed up slowly.  Or, you can be like me and never particularly go for speed.  See, no excuse to not workout at your next wedding.  Go take those cupcakes to the face.

Vinyasa in the Vineyard (September 28, 2014)

I will start with this post by explaining that I suck at yoga.  If you had told me two years ago that I would take yoga on a sort-of regularly basis, I would have laughed, but a few intervening life events have made me appreciate the workout, even if I am about as bendy as a pretzel rod.  First, like most kids, I dreamed of a big, exciting job…and grew up to spend Monday through Friday sitting at a desk like the majority of Americans.  Sitting 10 to 12 hours a day started to bother my back.  My doctor told me to start doing yoga to keep my hamstrings stretched.  Naturally, I ignored her advice.  A year or so later (with no back improvement), my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I usually would run to relieve stress, but about the same time he was diagnosed with cancer, I was diagnosed with a bad case or runners’ knee.  I could not run for a few months.  My doctor recommended that I do yoga for stress relief.  On an aside, my doctor has more than one suggestion for ailments – she does not suggest yoga for strep throat (that is clearly treated with pilates).  Out of desperation, I started taking yoga classes.  Turns out, it actually is great for your back and stress (and probably a slew of other things).

I remain awful at yoga, but my best friend, Erin, is amazing at yoga (as well as many other things and she just kicks ass at life in general).  She can do a handstand.  If you don’t understand the gravity of how impressive that is, please attempt a handstand right now. 

Erin heard about yoga in a vineyard through her yoga studio in Baltimore.  She goes to Charm City, which I hear is awesome.  I drove north and she drove west on a beautiful Saturday afternoon for Vinyasa in the vineyard.  There are tons of different types of yoga, but it always seems that Vinyasa is what is done in the vineyard.  I suspect it is because alliteration is a good marketing tool.  

Even if you don't like yoga, doing it in a vineyard is a great life choice.  First, the instructors are lovely and patient.  The atmosphere is even more relaxed than a usual yoga class, and they offer lots of variations, one of which is to just sit there and drink your wine (the guy sitting in front of us preferred that option).  

Vinyasa is my favorite type of yoga.  I feel like I get a pretty good workout, even though yoga does not provide the high calorie burn of a traditional cardio workout.  When I do yoga for any consistent period of time, I feel like my arms get more toned and I am generally stronger.  I think this is from all the downward dog, which I can only describe as standing on all fours with your butt up in the air (you look sort of like a human triangle?).  Here is a link with a pretty basic description of Vinyasa since my ass triangle description probably did not do it justice.    http://yoga.about.com/od/typesofyoga/a/vinyasa.htm

I definitely recommend doing yoga in a winery at sunset.  That should be an easy sell even if you never do yoga.  However, I do not suggest making this a weekly workout. One, I believe it is a stretch calling it a workout.  People were able to drink throughout the workout,  If you can drink during your workout, there is a good chance that you are not working out too hard. Additionally, even if you did get a solid workout, it is a little pricey to do on a regular basis.  However, this is because the "workout" is started with a winery tour and followed up with a wine tasting, which includes a ridiculous amount of cheese and other yummy items.  If you are looking for a burning workout, I would steer clear, but I think you could have figured that out from the title of the workout.  If you are looking for a fantastic, relaxing evening with your friend, or if you are only going to do yoga once, I would do Vinyasa in the vineyard.  It was incredibly relaxing, and sometimes that is better for your body than any strenuous workout.

I also have to thank Erin for not pretending not to know me during the yoga workout.  She is definitely a solid yogi, and I am more of a solid cheese eater.  I love you, Coop!

Zumba - the Beer of Exercises (September 22, 2014)

Much like beer, I only partake Zumba a few times a year (I am a wine gal).   Also like beer, Zumba always seems to be easily accessible  (case in point - finding wine at a tailgate is work, but you could probably trip over a mountain of beer).  No matter what time I leave work, or what gym I might try, there is always a Zumba class just about to happen.  It is like magic.  I didn’t feel like running tonight, and of course, there was a Zumba class available. 

For those who don’t know, Zumba is an aerobic class that is usually set to Latin music with some Latin infused dance moves.  As evidenced from my wedding picture, I am pretty confident in my dance moves (those moves seem to involve duck hands).  As seen by my parents double-fist pumping at my wedding, I get these sweet moves honest.

Zumba classes tend to be 55 minutes to an hour. A Google of “calories burned in Zumba,” indicates that you can burn anywhere between 500 to 1000 calories per hour.  This information is useless.  That is like telling you I am between 5’8” and 6’7”. You have learned nothing.  That calorie estimate is also a wildly optimistic.  This link ended up being more useful http://caloriesburnedhq.com/zumba-calories-burned/.  Taking into account my height and weight, the website estimates that I will burn 461 calories in an hour.  That is enough for me to give it a go.

One of the best parts about Zumba is always the instructor’s outfit.  The instructor is always wearing something neon with ZUMBA written across the chest or the ass, lest you forget what class you’re in.  Tonight, the instructor did not disappoint. She was wearing a matching neon Christmas bow on her head, which was perfect, because her borderline inappropriate and over-the-top facial expressions were like a gift to my evening.

 I have no rhythm, but Zumba instructors never care.  They always tell you to just keep moving, which is one of the best aspects of the class.  You will keep moving, which is the point, right?   

Additionally, there are four other things I always experience in Zumba:        

1.  You will be expected to shake your ass (or lack thereof, in my case) in ways you don’t understand.  For example, tonight I was bent over and hopping backwards.  Fantastic workout, and I would never do this anywhere else in the gym...or any other environment.
2.  Follow-up to point number one – there will be one older woman in the class who will be able to flawlessly execute the butt-gyrating exercises.  You will wonder about her day (or late night) job.

      3.   There will also be one person who has no clue what is happening, and he or she will be having a party for one in the back corner. Today, the woman was in the back pretending to fly, and it was awesome.
      4.    A Pitbull song will play.  Not featuring Pitbull, but legit Pitbull.  This is always my favorite part (I’m not proud of it, but I am honest). Fireball!

As mentioned, Zumba is not my go-to work out, but I do smile the entire time.  Additionally, you get a full-body workout because Zumba involves your legs, arms, abs, and of course butt, while doing cardio.  It is also low impact, so it is easy on your joints.  This means people with different levels of physical ability can usually participate. There is no way to get bored between the music and the instructor...and the other participants.  If you have rhythm or enjoy dancing (preferably with duck hands), I recommend the class.  If you’re extremely shy, or get easily embarrassed (I do not - I accepted my awkward a long time ago), then I would bring a friend with you. Strength in numbers - or, party for two in the back if you prefer to pretend you’re flying. You are definitely going to get a decent calorie burn from the non-stop moving and shaking.