Powerwave Battle Roping with Georgeann - The playlist was amazing...(February 6, 2015)

This week, my coworker and friend, Georgeann, was willing to go on another fitness escapade with me.  I included a picture of her on the right when we were out in Arlington a few weeks ago since I took no Battle Roping photos of us.  While we were out, I learned she basically knows all of Arlington...like everyone.

Usually on Fridays my coworkers and I go somewhere for lunch, eat too much, and come back to the office comatose.  I asked Georgeann if she would be willing to do Powerwave Battle Roping during our Friday lunch hour as a change of pace, and because she is fantastic, she obliged.  This was all the more impressive because when she asked me what Powerwave Battle Roping was, I had no fucking clue.  I have come to the conclusion that half the fun in these new workouts is the element of surprise!  Not reading the class description also left us a few days to speculate what the class would entail, which was also entertaining.  One of our coworkers opined that it would be a ton of double dutch jump roping.  Georgeann speculated that it could be some type of stretchy yoga thing with bands.  Friday came, and it was time to find out what we were in for.

This is the Crunch Fitness website description of Powerwave Battle Roping:  Get ready for battle with this hard-core, sweat-fest utilizing the toughest fitness equipment around. This Battle Ropes class combines strength and explosiveness to activate and integrate all the major muscle groups for a complete and total body workout with an emphasis on core stability. Get ready to make some serious waves!  

We will get to what the class actually entailed momentarily, but I have to give you a side story.  I went online after the class to read the description.  We took the class at Crunch Fitness, which I knew had a fairly diverse class selection, but holy shit...check this out:  https://www.crunch.com/classes/class-descriptions/  This place could keep me busy for years.  The options are ridiculous.  Two that really caught my eye (but there were so many) were:

WHIPPED: 50 SHADES OF FITNESS

Join us for 50 Shades of fitness in ‘Whipped,’ a class taught by a Dominatrix in black leather boots that will WHIP you into shape! Begin this class of pleasure and pain with a warm up, then it’s time to bring out the toys as participants grab body bars, hand weights and steps to be used in the workout ahead. This punishment builds muscular endurance and strength, and helps harness one’s balance and coordination. A little S & M never hurt anyone - - sweat and muscle that is!

LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF

This unique barefoot training class combines comedy routines and fitness routines to make you laugh your ass off – literally! Led by a seasoned comedian, current events and fitness humor are provided to entertain you as you laugh your way through a series of exercises designed to burn calories and tone your booty.

Crunch will provide comedians or a dominatrix to work you out.  Who is thinking of these classes?  Crunch definitely deserves kudos for creativity, but anyhow, on to Battle Ropes.

We entered the gym and let the people at the front desk know we were there to attend battle ropes.  The people at the front smile at each other and say, "Oh, "X" is teaching that today.  You are in for a treat."  First, I am leaving out her real name because I'm sure she is a lovely woman.  Second, when someone says you are "in for a treat" and shoots a knowing glance to the person next to them, know that you're fucked.

We will call the instructor Jane.  If you can envision a kindergarten teacher on a cocktail of cocaine and steroids, that is Jane.  She had a wide grin and unmistakable crazy eyes.  She yelled a lot... and she kept turning up the music... and then yelling louder.  

Battle Ropes involved circuit training, which usually means there are a few stations consisting of different exercises.  For example, you might jump rope at one station, squat at another station, etc., and this combination of exercises is called a circuit.  You do each exercise for 30 seconds or 60 seconds, trying to fit in as many repetitions as possible in the time frame, and then move to the next exercise station in the circuit.  I hope that made sense.  If not, I know Google is pretty articulate.  Usually, I have seen 6 to 8 exercise stations in a circuit.  Jane made 12 stations.

One was jump roping, but not double dutch.   Two other stations used the weighted ropes pictured to the right for various exercises. There was a lunge while overhead pressing a kettle bell station, a squat station, etc.  However, Jane really went off the rails when she created a station that involved going down into a burpee, alternating rowing arms with hand weights, returning up to a clean and press and finishing with a squat and overhead press.  That is not one station to any normal person.  That could be three stations.  In 30 seconds, you can get through that collection of moves roughly 3 times, and it is annoying.  Georgeann eventually boycotted this station, and rightfully so.  

To be fair, aside from the one absurd exercise station, Jane's circuit was awesome.  Georgeann and I felt the burn (how could you not going through that many stations 4 times!).  Jane was also very attentive to everyone at each station.  She diligently corrected form and walked individuals through exercises again if they forgot what they were supposed to be doing...which was easy with that many stations, one of which had 5 million components.

Jane made one of the best workout mixes that I have ever heard.  It opened with David Guetta's Dangerous.  This seemed promising to myself and Georgeann.  There was some old Offspring, Katy Perry, Missy Elliot (I guess Jane had some Super Bowl inspiration), The Killers. and even Walk the Moon (Shut Up and Dance is a kick ass workout song).  For all her aggressive screaming of super positive and encouraging things (a very weird combination), Jane did her job. She was indeed a "treat."

I would absolutely Battle Rope again.  I would also join a Crunch gym if there wasn't a closer gym to both my home and office (sorry, Crunch).  That class selection is insane.  I don't need to get whipped or hear a stand-up routine when I exercise, but my goodness, isn't it nice to have that option?  If you are a Crunch member and haven't tried it, please give Battle Ropes a shot.

Side note - I am an Eagles' fan, which oftentimes terrifies or disgusts people; however, the Eagles weren't in the Super Bowl, so I had to spend last week focusing on Marshawn Lynch (even though Pete Carroll apparently forgot to do the same).  In the spirit of Marshawn, I purchased two BeastMode shirts, which I will be rocking in future workouts.  I am pretty excited.   

Pole Dancing with Liz and Nicole - When all else fails, lead with your butt (January 30, 2015)

A few weeks ago, my friend Liz and I attended the DC Health and Fitness Expo.  The Expo had tons of vendors, including a company called "Pole Pressure."  Liz and I are chatters, so we spoke briefly to the Pole Pressure vendors, and we learned that on Friday evenings they give a free introductory pole dancing class in Alexandria, Virginia.

Fast forward to last Friday.  I had a week full of learning experiences between knitting class and nutrition education class, so it was time to complete the educational trifecta and learn how to pole dance.  My sweet friends Nicole and Liz were willing to join me.

The Pole Pressure studio is in the Huntington area of Alexandria, next to a pizza shop.  At first glance, the place is terrifying, and it also smells like glitter; however, the girls who work there are fantastic.

We enter the "classroom" and there is a chair in front of each pole.
The class opened with chair exercises.  This was tougher than expected.  The warm up involves a lot of triceps dips and hip thrusts on the chair, which were performed hanging off the chair in a position that resembles bridge in yoga.  Interestingly, many of the moves resembled yoga moves. The catch is that you have to be "sexy" the entire time.  The instructor pointed out that even our side leg lifts had to be sexy.  That is what made it pole dancing - the "sexy" (and I suspect, the pole).

Being "sexy" while exercising is quite challenging.  At one point, we were instructed to lay with our back across our chair and kick our legs in the air.  To me, this was an alarming exercise because I have no balancing skills.  I got into a corpse position across the chair with one hand on the floor, trying desperately not to fall off (super sexy).  All that said, the muscles were working.

After the chair, we move to the floor for something called "body rolls."  Liz and I both made inaudible noises that were combination squeals laughter and fear. The body roll is kind of a slithering motion where your ass stays in the air until the very end, while everything else lowers in a crawling fashion.  The reverse body roll still begins with your ass in the air, and you roll up from your on-ground slithering position. Nicole took a pole dancing lesson for her sister's bachelorette party (allegedly this is where she acquired these skills), and is pretty flexible (her husband is a lucky man), so comparatively, she looked like an old pro. I was just a mess, but that was okay.  The instructor offered us some profound words, "when all else fails, lead with your butt."  I swear, Aristotle never provided society with a wiser nugget.


Finallly, we moved to the pole.  First, we were instructed to wipe down our respective pole with alcohol, which was a little concerning because we assumed it was already clean. However, there was some comfort to doing it ourselves.  We doused the our poles until it smelled like we were dancing in a nail polish bottle.

We started with learning how to "strut" around the pole, which is the only skill I mastered (kudos to me, I can walk in a circle).  You hold the pole very high with the dominant hand.  Given the length of my gangly arms, I was halfway to the ceiling.  Then you put your inside foot against the pole and pop out your hips.  This angle provides momentum while you strut around your pole.  The instructor explained how to do this so that you didn't throw out your shoulder.  I clearly failed to understand her instructions.  My shoulder currently feels like it needs a cortisone shot.

Next were the actual pole spins. "Level 2 Pole," as it is called.  The instructor tried to teach us to do a "catch spin."  Nicole thought the instructor said "cash spin," because the spin would earn all the money.  Totally logical assumption, but the instructor said that it was actually catch spin because one of your legs caught the pole while the other one spun around, and you sexily glided to the floor while twisting around the pole.  Nothing that I just explained actually happened in my case.  I liked to give a running leap, which resulted in a fast spin and a fall. The instructor thought it was entertaining to watch our attempts, so that counted for something.  She probably gets a good laugh at this introductory lesson every Friday night.  She again gave us her wise words, "even if you fall down the pole, just whip your hair, and then get back up...leading with the butt."  I also purchased that awesome shredded pole dancing shirt you see below.  They sold tops and shoes in the studio, so at least I could look the part while flailing and falling.

The instructor explained that she got into pole dancing to lose weight.  I have no idea if she lost weight.  She did not go into details.  I do know that she seemed healthy, happy, and strong as hell.  At the end of class she demonstrated some "Level 3 Pole."  This involved her climbing up the pole, hanging upside down, spreading her legs, and then essentially crawling back down using one arm and her inner thigh.  I actually don't know how gravity permitted what my eyes witnessed.  It may have been an optical illusion - the classroom had lots of mirrors.

Here is a link with the estimated pole dancing calorie burn:  http://www.livestrong.com/article/296144-calories-burned-in-an-aerobic-pole-dance-class/

I know I have mentioned this a time or two, but I seriously have the best friends in the world. I have to pinch myself daily because I can't believe that I am so lucky.  Case in point, Nicole and Liz drove, after a long work week, out to a building in Alexandria, which at first glance, looked like a place where strippers would get murdered, and then they took this class.  Everyone was asked at the beginning of the class why they were there, and Nicole and Liz just pointed at me.  Those girls are true friends.

Following our pole dancing, we went out for pizza and wine (because why workout if you aren't going to negate progress with some more fun life choices).  When the check came, I realized that my wallet had fallen out in my car, which is a black hole that I may discuss that another time.   I had an old wallet in my purse (no clue why), which happened to have a debit card inside, so I yanked out the card and threw it on the table.  The waiter came back and informed me that my card expired three years ago.  Not only that, the bank didn't exist, and he recommended that I sell the card on Ebay as a relic, or at least announce my stupidity on Twitter.  Thanks, bro (I guess he knew I wasn't tipping, so there was nothing to lose).  Liz and Nicole covered my meal.  So not only did they pole dance (poor Liz was afraid to adjust her contact afterwards because she wasn't sure what kinds of bodily fluids were still on her hands), but they also spotted me for dinner.  I am ridiculously lucky.  Thank you, Nicole and Liz.

P.S. I'm typing this in Barnes and Noble, which makes me feel super college.  I'm uncomfortably close to a pregnant woman reading diagrams about birthing.  She keeps giving me funny looks. I hope she likes looking at blown up pictures of stripper heels (available for purchase at your local Pole Pressure).  To my right is a man pressing hard for a date with a woman who also appears to be interviewing him for a job.  He clearly has a "go big or go home" attitude.

I love public places.

Jillian Michaels No More Trouble Zones - She is the scary one (January 24, 2015)

Everyone buys stupid shit that they don't need.  It is just a matter of how much you spend, and what your brand of stupid is: cigarettes, tabloids, expensive wine, misspelled Starbucks coffee, refrigerator magnets?  There is a laundry list of dumb things that we all buy.  Pick your poison. That money would probably be going into our savings, or towards our car payment, but nope, everyone has a vice.

One of my go-to stupid purchases, is a really cheap workout DVD.  Not because workout DVDs are bad.  In fact, they are great, but I generally like working out around people, and I don't like doing the same workout too often.  Basically, my preference is the opposite of DVDs, but damn if Target isn't always selling DVDs on a huge discount (I got Princess Bride for $5 a few months ago -  definitely a win), so I inevitably end up purchasing workout DVDs.

My friend Jillian (not Michaels), told me a while back that Jillian Michaels workouts were great.  Additionally, a guy I work with, who I affectionately call a meat head, tried the Jillian Michaels workout, and thought it was very difficult.  Actually, he hurt himself doing the warm-up because she likes doing active stretches. While he was basically pretending to swim, he pulled his neck.  Bro can't active stretch like the ladies.  Anyhow, given these two recommendations (and the DVD being on sale), I decided to give No More Trouble Zones a shot.

I rarely watch reality television (except for Shark Tank because that is addicting).  Not because I judge, but because I keep an insane and weird schedule.  I have caught the Biggest Loser a time or two, and I know from grocery store tabloids that Jillian Michaels is the scary one.  Just look at how she is pointing at you.  She means business.

I press play on the DVD - No More Trouble Zones.  I don't want trouble zones.  Bring it.

Holy shit.  There are many things happening at once in this workout.  I can see why her workouts are considered so efficient.  In addition to active stretching, she expects you to work a million different body parts at the same time. For example, you will squat while doing overhead presses, or you will side lunge while performing biceps curls, and crunches with chest presses.  You get the idea.

I can't find a calorie count doing a quick internet search for this specific DVD; however, I found an average calorie burn for her 30 day shred DVD, and that is estimated at 503 calories per hour.  Do with that what you will.

If you want to maximize your workout in a limited amount of time, I highly recommend this DVD. I have to say that I probably won't touch it again for another 5 years.  I have about 30 more DVDs to get through, and I also miss the entertainment I find in live classes.

If you are a DVD kind of person, here is the link for purchasing this gem at Wal-Mart.  http://www.walmart.com/ip/Jillian-Michaels-No-More-Trouble-Zones-Full-Frame/10818215

PS - There wasn't really much to take pictures of, so here you can see that Starbucks can't spell my name, and I included a pic of me and my Jillian (she is far less scary).